I Don’t Want to Kiss My Maybe Boyfriend
A gay teen asks about sex and attraction
Dear Aunty Jimothy,
This other gay guy at my school asked me out for weeks, and I was like no, cause I really wasn’t all that into him. But he kinda grew on me, and I finally figured out he might be hot. I kind of like him. But when we started making out in the car and he tried to kiss me, I kept moving his lips to my neck. I didn’t want to kiss him right on the lips. It feels too weird. Does this mean I don’t like him?
Dry Lips in Denver
Good question, Dry!
By the way, do you have some flavored chap stick to soothe his poor lips after leaving them high and dry? I mean, busting a little cherry would be the kind thing to do!
Seriously, what a really great question. Your body’s involuntary reactions can tell you a lot about where you stand with someone when it comes to attraction.
When I’m seeing a new guy, sometimes I wonder if I’m settling, if I’m pursuing a relationship because I’m in love with the idea of love.
But first, if your lips don’t wanna go there, maybe you’re just shy. It’s kind of hard to kiss another guy if we haven’t done it before. So, if swapping spit and smashing a boy’s lips is all new for you, you might just want to take things slower. Maybe you really are into this guy, but kissing is something you need to get used to.
Beware subtle internalized homophobia
If you aren’t into kissing him because you aren’t attracted enough to him, that’s totally cool. You do you. You know your body. You know how you feel. Don’t do anything you don’t sincerely want to do.
But if you don’t wanna kiss him because kissing boys weirds you out because — you know — they’re boys, maybe you’re going through something. Maybe you’re dealing with some homophobia you didn’t even know was there. It happens to the best of us.
So, try this. When you aren’t with him, take some deep breaths, imagine kissing him, and feel how right it is. If you hear that whispering voice hissing into your ear that kissing is so GAY and so GROSS, take some more deep breaths and practice feeling good.
If you’re past all that, and kissing other guys is part of your thing when you date or hook up, here’s some words of Aunty wisdom for you. Excuse me while I get my pearls ready to clutch.
When I’m seeing a new guy, sometimes I wonder if I’m settling, if I’m pursuing a relationship because I’m in love with the idea of love (or at least a hot hookup), or if I’m actually, genuinely attracted to the dude.
And when you’re my age, the answer isn’t always so clear! We aunties don’t date stud muffins most of the time, I’ll have you know.
So, genuine attraction is often one of those, “I know it when I see it” deals.
And here’s the deal:
If I find my lips wandering toward his as if of their own volition, if they latch on and don’t want to let go, then yeah…
It’s probably the real thing.
But if I kiss out of a sense of duty?
If I’ll do it but I don’t honestly care one way or the other?
I’m probably kidding myself.
Anybody can close their eyes and enjoy a blow job.
Kissing? Not so much.
For me, wanting to kiss is a true measure of magnetism.
So, if you’re an experienced kisser, and you usually like kissing guys, but this guy’s lips just ain’t doing it for you, I suggest you ask yourself some serious questions and take some time to really examine yourself and why you’re dating him. There’s a good possibility you aren’t very attracted to him.
Are you really doing it for you? For real for real for you? You’re worth enough to find a guy you’re really into and who’s really into you right back.
Oh, and if he pressures you? Keeps chasing your lips after you refuse? Honey, get outta the car. He just crossed a line. Force isn’t romantic. Neither is nagging or pestering. Only YOU get to decide who you kiss. Your body. Your choice.
Don’t forget to be safe!
I know you didn’t get in that car without latex condoms and water-based lube, right, child? Ooooh, I can just hear you now!
But, Aunty, we weren’t gonna do THAT. Pinky swear! Seriously, what do you think we are, sex maniacs?
Bwahahahahaha, nephew, that’s how unprotected anal sex ALWAYS happens, and that’s why HIV is still around. You weren’t gonna do it, so you didn’t have protection. Then …. Well, I don’t have to tell YOU how hot he was with those hard abs and thighs of steel, and how good he tasted, then how your legs kind of just opened up on their own…
Child, Aunty Jimothy has been there, done that, and boy howdy.
Put the damn condoms and lube in your backpack and leave em there. They don’t do you any good hiding under the mattress at home.
Don’t make me clutch my pearls, now. Hear?
That’s another Aunty Jimothy column on Medium, guys and girls. Got a question? Post it under this story or email email@example.com and she’ll do her best to crank out some pearlescent balls of wisdom.
By the way, I’ve got a whole bat cave full of lesbians, trans guys and girls, and kinky polyamorous bisexual chicks. So when you ask Aunty Jimothy, you’re tapping into a lot more than just Dame Edna’s cranky nemesis.
Ask anything! Love, sex, dating, hooking up, Tinder and Grindr culture, and HIV/STD concerns. Life with your straight family. Coming out. Or not.
This Old Aunty has the Answers. Somewhere. If I can just remember where I left my purse.