What do the next 24 days have in store for you? If this year is anything to go by, nothing you’ll really like. As God opens each box of his 2020-themed Advent Calendar, we should be prepared for the worst.
1. Pet gets stuck somewhere in the house and, though you can hear them, it takes hours to find them to set them free.
2. Hot chocolate mixes are recalled because of some manufacturing error.
3. Pantone announces the color of the year is Void, a blacker-than-black hue meant to symbolize the year’s general mood.
4. Genetically modified goats escape an underground lab and destroy several crops.
5. Every computer-making company decides to create different ports for their products so the only gift anyone asks for this year is a toggle.
6. Emily in Paris comes out with a holiday special while another show you love is cancelled.
7. We discover a habitable planet. But there is a giant sign that says, “Earthlings may not apply for residency.” Guess they’ve heard of us.
8. Schools announce a snow day via online portals. Parents are forced to have snow ball fights in the house in full view of the camera to prove they are participating.
9. You are possessed by a ghost. Then it leaves you, because it says you are not driven enough.
10. Twitter gains the right to elect one Supreme Court justice. Someone very online but unsuitable wins the seat.
11. GOOP’s jade eggs turned out to be dragon eggs and now we have to slay some dragons before they burn our cities.
12. HBO reconsiders and decides, actually, they will be producing the Game of Thrones creator’s new show about what would happen if the South won the Civil War
13. Don Jr. decides to play with the nuke codes just for fun and starts an international incident.
14. You spill coffee on yourself at a drive-through and receive 3rd degree burns and no settlement in court.
15. Baby Yoda is revealed to be a space Nazi.
16. A comet nearly strikes the Earth causing the rich to flee on their personal spaceships. Then everyone has to deal with the awkward aftermath when their favorite celebrities sheepishly return to the world and fans they abandoned to a fiery death.
17. Record breaking snow falls in the South. Climate deniers learn nothing.
18. Bob Ross is resurrected for a day and immediately gets infected with Covid.
19. Scientists open a tomb of a long dead pharaoh and release a curse that slays several firstborns in the area. Also Bob Ross.
20. Your favorite brand of tee-shirt is discontinued.
21. Low rise jeans are the only jeans now being produced in order to save on fabric costs.
22. A alien race sends out a signal that turns off the internet for one day. Millions are injured and scared during the mass hysteria.
23. Santa sends out an announcement that he has to shelter in place for 14 days after one of his elves traveled and tested positive. As a result he can’t deliver gifts this year on the 25th.
24. Bezos sees an opportunity and offers Amazanta, a once-a-year service that will deliver free gifts in one night if a child has been good and has parents who are subscribed to Amazon Prime. Many parents are happy with convenience and a whole generation of kids grow up learning that Amazanta is real.