A Distillation of the What You’ll Find in the New York Times Recipe Comments Section
It’s not about the food you cooked, but the people you met along the way
The Foodie Wannabe
Four fist bumps. If I did Thai food, this would definitely be my go-to recipe. I like the individual ingredients, just not all together. I happened to be scrolling the NYT recipe site as I wait for my Arby’s delivery.
The Perfectionist
This Pad Thai recipe offers a nice balance of sweet, tangy and umami but with some critical omissions. Always use a seasoned wok. Use only extra virgin peanut oil. No Planters brand. Grow your own bean sprouts for a more satisfying crunch. Teak cask-conditioned fish sauce is a must. Lightly roast peanuts to brighten the garnish. Still searching for a superior sen lek rice noodle.
The Non-cook
Five stars. This looks like authentic Pad Thai in the photo, which triggered a craving for Thai food. Luckily, my girlfriends and I snagged the last table at Thai Orchid. Thanks for the suggestion, Mark Bittman.
The Chef in a Hurry
End your noodle search, Ms. Perfectionist. Top Ramen works great. I set aside the flavor pack for when I truly don’t have time to cook. Tossed some pre-washed baby carrots into the mix. Didn’t have fish sauce, so I used A-1 instead. Substituted onion powder for scallions. Skipped the egg. No shrimp, so I shredded leftover KFC on top. Reduced the prep time from 35 minutes to 5.
The Saboteur
Only meh! Went big with Thai chilis since this is Thai cuisine. Halved the garlic, as I was going out later. Squeezed on a whole lime because, once it’s cut, what are you going to do with it? Make limeade? Overall assessment: This dish was citrus-forward and inferno spicy. Have some yogurt handy, or maybe a fire extinguisher. Better yet, try a different recipe. How did this guy win a James Beard award anyway?
The Vegan
An otherwise savory dish ruined by shrimp. The oceans cannot sustain our over-harvesting. And farmed shrimp contain toxins to rival a cess pool. To those substituting industrial chicken for shrimp, are you idiots? Do you wish to see breasts sprout on your toddlers? Replace all meat with organic tofu marinated in lemon grass-infused oil. This substitution produces a healthy and humane dish.
The Calorie Counter
Delicious, but watch those fats and carbs! First, eliminate the cooking oil. Instead, use nonstick spray. STOP! You did not see noodles on the ingredient list. Suppress this urge immediately with a large glass of water and a walk around the block. Once your pulse drops below 110, shred zucchini or spaghetti squash as a low carb alternative to noodles.
Next, weigh 17 grams of skinless chicken breast and cut into 0.2 inch cubes to give a full, meaty appearance. Tofu okay, but avoid Vegan’s reckless tendency to marinate in oil. Add extra broccoli and bean sprouts as a low-cal, high-fiber supplement. Avoid peanut garnish. Instead, crumble 1.25 pita chips on top if you must.
The Fermented Foodie
Soaked out noodles in a dog bowl for three days. Foraged for sprouts and tofu in dumpsters. Left fish sauce and shrimp on the counter overnight. The shrimp kicked off nicely by morning, and the fish sauce displayed a gorgeous foamy head. This recipe makes a generous quantity that will fizz for weeks at room temperature. My stomach is rumbling for more as I write this. I’ll be going back for seconds and thirds once I purge.
The Mid-Westerner
I tried this recipe as an alternative to the hot dish I take to potlucks. I’ve never seen fish sauce at Cub Foods, so I used distilled vinegar I keep on hand to remove stains. I swapped chicken for shrimp since it’s miles to the coast. Not sure what tofu is, but it sounds like a foot fungus. Try a Minnesota home remedy and soak those feet in distilled vinegar. Afterward, add used vinegar to the Pad Thai casserole. That way, nothing gets wasted. Peanut and lime garnish? I went with a melted Velveeta and bread crumb topping instead.
The Environmentalist
Shame on you, NYT. Your recipe fails to specify locally sourced ingredients. That Kaffir lime travelled 8,539.58 miles and pumped tons of carbon into the atmosphere just to enhance your Pad Thai. If you can’t grow it in your window box, then buy it at the farmers’ market. But only if you can walk there. Otherwise, use ingredients you have on hand. Kudos to Fermented Foodie. He might be sick, but at least he’s not contributing to our planet’s sickness. BTW Miss Perfectionist, that seasoned wok had better work on an induction cooktop.
