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A Letter To The Witches Council Regarding Hansel and Gretel

I would really like to eat them, please.

Sarah Lofgren
Jane Austen’s Wastebasket
4 min readSep 25, 2019


To The Bad Sirs and Misses and XXxXs of The Witches Council,

I wholeheartedly wish for your good health and the affliction of all who come in contact with Your Wickednesses.

I admit in good faith that I recall the admonition of This Council. Your order rang clear that none of our evil siblinghood are to consume small children until the rising of the harvest moon coats our land in amber light. This advice I have found to be wise.

However I must confess to some difficulties buried within my own, particular situation.

I am tormented night and day by the activities of two precocious children living next door. They take pieces of my house into their mouths and chew and chew and chew. Soon I will be without lodging. They are apple-cheeked, wide-eyed little children and I wish sorely to eat them.

Please form an exception for my case.

~Your Humble Servant, Emeilda Tipple Helgafield the Witch

Dear Emeilda,

Don’t you dare eat those children! The Grimm Brothers are writing a book and word on the street is that it has a strong, anti-witch agenda. We cannot afford bad publicity at the moment. Don’t boil them. Don’t fry them. Don’t toast them even a little. Keep their flesh out of your mouth and go eat a carrot or something.

The Witches Council

To The Notable and Innumerable Persuns of The Witches Council,

It seems You do not comprehend the extent to which I am a victim of the misery inflicted upon me. My thoughts are inconsistent and calamitous, but I must find the words to bring You to comprehension.

Once You understand, Members of The Council, You will grant me not only permission, but bestow all blessings on my compulsion to feast.

The oldest is known as Gretel and possesses a sharp tongue and an unflattering tendency to dance when she is happy. I happened upon a post she composed on twitter characterizing your servant (me) as a “hapless old crone who wouldn’t know what a Tik Tok is unless it hit her in the nose wart”. This after she…