A Realistic Night With Your New Sleep Tracker
Your dog tutted in your general direction. He was definitely pressed about something…
Thank you for choosing Nosy Nights Sleep Tracker! Due to increasingly unnerving technology, ever rising lucrative offers for invasive data, and mankind’s love language being cold hard cash, we can now track exactly what woke you in the night, when and for how long.
11:28 P.M. — sleep commences
11.55 P.M. — 45 seconds awake
You needed to pee.
11.59 P.M. — 2 seconds awake
Your dog jumped off the bed.
12.01 A.M — 3 seconds awake
Your dog jumped back onto the bed.
12.21 A.M. — 1 minute 38 seconds awake
You needed to pee.
12:34 A.M. — 1 second awake
Your partner entered the room.
12:35 A.M. — 4 seconds awake
Your partner stubbed his toe and shouted, “Shhhhhhhhhhh.”
12:35 A.M. — 4 seconds awake
Your partner attempted to whisper, “iiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.”
12:36 A.M. — 44 seconds awake
Your partner said, “Please can you scooch over…
