ASAP Fables Online: Timely Parables Abbreviated for a Busy Age
No one’s got time for Aesop any more
The Cock and His Comb
A Cock was so proud of his brightly colored comb that he strutted around the barnyard all day showing it off. When the other animals’ responses failed to satisfy him, the Cock crowed all night, demanding their round-the-clock adulation. In the morning the angry, sleepless farmer beat the noisy Cock soundly, then delivered his lifeless body to the cook.
Moral: Coq au vin is the sincerest form of flattery.
The Cat and Her Vomitus
Capping legislative debate about gerrymandering with a rhetorical flourish, the Honorable Felis Catus coughed up a hairball in the shape of North Carolina’s 5th Congressional District.
Moral: Gastric metaphors will be the death of civil political discourse.
The Dog on Social Media
A Basenji was disappointed to learn that he could not use American Sign Language to voice his opposition to mandatory #CanineCastration.
Moral: Many an impassioned plea has been thwarted by the lack of opposable thumbs.
The Gyre Down Under
A flash flood created a raging vortex that sucked a Platypus from her poorly built riverbank burrow into an irresistible death spiral.
Moral: A clockwise path does not always lead to clockwisdom. Try the other way around.
Ox Marks the Spot
An Ox commemorated her tenth year of being yoked to the same partner by leading him to the site where they were first joined. There they celebrated their anniversary with the mutual ignition of self-generated greenhouse gases.
Moral: Meaningful small rituals keep the marriage spark alive.
The Karaoke Crow
A Crow, desiring to woo a nightingale, sang the nightingale’s song before an audience of nightingales, which responded derisively to his harsh rendition.
Moral: Off-key cultural appropriation is just caws for public ridicule.
The Grasshopper and His Aunt
A Grasshopper, plagued by a busybody aunt’s endless interrogation about his marital prospects, loudly played his violin in a futile attempt to drown out her annoying inquiries.
Moral: The better choice for a diversionary tactic is usually a caterwaul of bagpipes.
The Millipede Who Waved
A Millipede attending her first baseball game enthusiastically joined in the crowd’s sequential wave, only to be fatally crushed when runaway gluteal resonance caused the stadium to collapse.
Moral: It’s past time to stand up for syncopation.
The Snake Who Stripped
Accustomed to feeling beautiful only after shedding her outgrown dermal raiment for a crowd’s raucous viewing pleasure, a Snake realized that her greatest satisfaction came earlier, from onlookers’ silent anticipation of the unveiling to come.
Moral: The more wrapped the gift, the more rapt the recipient.
The Dung Beetle Who Collected Fine Art
A discerning Dung Beetle with a nose for bargains amassed an engrossing treasure trove of undervalued works, promising each of his heirs rich leavings to wallow in.
Moral: Pity the hapless executor who must inventory a coprophiliac’s estate.
The Cicada’s Protest
A Cicada signed up for a subterranean time-share not realizing that “easy automatic terms” meant an unbreakable lease lasting seventeen years. Having no legal recourse, the Cicada enlisted billions of fellow victims for mass protests featuring the collective vibration of their flexed abdominal membranes.
Moral: Enough about abs. Please, really. Enough.
The Ass in the Window
A complete and utter Ass, after a drunken night of living up to his reputation, found himself locked out of his house. Trying to enter through a window he became stuck, head in and tail out. The next morning his neighbors cheerfully declined to free him, preferring to face his stink rather than his stupidity.
Moral: Feel free to ruminate on the ass-like qualities of someone you know.
The Boy Who Tried Wool
A Boy who aspired to be a clothing designer turned his back on a lucrative career in rayon farming to create a line of winter woolen outerwear for sale in the Northern Hemisphere under the brand name “Fleece Navidad.”
Moral: A true buffoon cannot be shamed into keeping questionable morals to himself.
