Become a Member of Our Destitute Little NPR Station! Please!
So we can stop burning Rick Steves travel guides for warmth
And that was of course the beloved Concerto for Glockenspiel and Kazoo, by Prussian composer Heimlich von Maneuver. If you’re just joining us, we’re right smack dab in the middle of the very first pledge drive of the morning. My name is Elise Seyfried, and I am proud to be a producer at WXYZ, the little National Public Radio station that could. Fun fact: the staff here hasn’t been paid all year! It’s true! I’ve been sleeping in my neighbor’s car, because I can’t afford a car of my own to sleep in. I haven’t eaten in weeks, and I haven’t showered in months.
But enough about my scurvy and head lice! I would endure these hardships and much more, to keep bringing you the insightful news and timeless classical music you’ve come to expect from this spunky NPR station. I’m here to invite you to become a member. This gem of the airwaves can stay commercial free because you, our listeners, keep our lights on with your financial support.
Now some of you will say, why should I buy the cow when I can get the milk for free? The milk, my friends, is NOT going to keep squirting out of the udders, if we can’t keep old Bessie alive. Imagine a world without Fresh Air! I mean the show Fresh Air, of course, this city hasn’t had real fresh air in ages. Why, if we couldn’t broadcast All Things Considered, you’d have to settle for Nothing Considered Whatsoever.
I’m painting a bleak picture, but it doesn’t have to be this way. When you turn to 91.6 on your radio dial, you can make the difference between 24 hours a day of supercilious programming, and just that sad staticky sound. Become a sustaining member for a monthly pledge of $100. Or, become a super duper member for $300. Or, consider becoming a VIM (Very Important Member) by simply giving us your bank account number.
We have some amazing perks for all of our contributors. With your basic membership, you’ll receive a thank you note from my mom, who writes really nice ones. Super duper members will get all 57 seasons of The Lawrence Welk Show on VHS. And, for our VIMs, you’ll get all of that PLUS a jumbo insulated beverage mug, so you can start your day with coffee, tea, or even straight vodka (we’ll never tell).
Pick up the phone and dial 1–888–888–888888 right now and pledge your support.
Waiting for those phones to start ringing!
Anytime now.
Did I mention the beverage mug?
This hour we have a very generous challenge. An anonymous friend of WXYZ will match all donations, if we get 60 more pledges in the next 60 seconds. That’s just one pledge per second, gang! I know we can do it.
Ah! I hear a phone ringing! Could it be?
No, it’s that damn ringing in my ears, which could be cured if I could afford to go to the doctor, which I could, if you put your money where YOUR ears are, and that’s right here at 91.6.
Not sure about the weather outside, but It’s 28 degrees here in the studio, because we can’t afford the freaking heat. We’ve been burning copies of Rick Steves travel guides, just to keep warm. If I don’t get some food soon I’m going to die. And it will be all YOUR fault, you… you…you valued listeners of WXYZ!
We’re about one minute away from resuming our Morning Musicale, and the Slovak Sousaphone Quartet playing a masterpiece by Ernst Bluch. But now it’s time for you to pick up that phone and tell us what we long to hear: “I give up! Here’s your lousy stinking pledge! Take all my money! All of it! Are you happy now?”
We certainly are. And thank you for your support.
