Dreams Do Come True! I’m a Plant Mama!
Summer Newsletter from a New Plant Mom
Summer Greetings!
I know that everyone expects my big newsletter during the holiday season, but I simply could not wait to show off my new bundle of joy to 250 of my closest friends and family!
That’s right! I finally took the leap and have ventured into the exciting world of plant motherhood. I now own a perfect doll-like tomato plant and she has honestly changed my life in ways I never thought possible.
They tell you that little ones aren’t at “peak cuteness” until 3 or 4 weeks, but my princess has been absolutely stunning since I simulated giving birth to her at the local Walmart Garden Center. It was a spiritual experience that I can only describe as “transcendent”. You moms out there can relate, I’m sure!
Even the employees were so moved by my devotion to the calling of plant motherhood that they apparently quit after my pseudo-delivery. The manager told me not to come back, probably because the store couldn’t bear to see the glory of maternal plant bonding again.
But back to Sadie! Oh my goodness is she whip smart! Mommy’s little overachiever has already grown an entire 14 inches in a matter of 3 weeks. I don’t want to be that person but my neighbor Ruth Anne, who just celebrated her 80th birthday, just may drop dead from jealousy. Her tomato, Jan, is really struggling. It’s such a shame. I don’t want to nitpick Ruth Anne’s plant mothering, but I have seen her giving Jan tap water instead of allowing purified water to run down her bare breasts and onto the waiting plant. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that she’d popped a few ibuprofen before her plant birth.
Also I know it seems a bit premature but we’ve already started looking at some Farmer’s Markets and, let me tell you, the application process for these bad boys is daunting with a capital “D” for “Don’t hold my girl back!”. They do not properly prepare you for this in the gardening books.
We are looking at some very high end markets and have our fingers and stems crossed for Union Square. Portland is our safety market but I am praying daily that it won’t come to that. I cannot imagine sending my girl so far away. You know me! I’d be curled up in the closet covered in organic potting soil, smelling her dried leaves and sobbing every night! Hop aboard the Emotional Rollercoaster, fam! I’m your captain, Sadie’s mom!
But really, Sadie has a heart of pure gold. She donates her tomatoes to our less fortunate neighbors and now she’s teaching herself how to make homemade marinara and authentic salsa to feed the homeless. I feel blessed to have such a go-getter.
I hate to bring up Ruth Anne again, but it shatters my heart when I think of her tomato plant rotting away in front of the television, watching the Food Network with nothing to show for it. I know that some mothers have a difficult time with work-life balance, but I guess I just really have a knack for identifying and nurturing the natural gifts of our little ones.
Well, that’s about it for us! I look forward to having each of you over soon so that you can enjoy 650+ pics of Sadie while you sit on my couch eating fragrent tomatoes by the fistful. I promise that they won’t be putrid and decaying like the fruit from Sheila’s blueberry bush, Josh. We certainly learned our lesson with that fiasco and will not be skimping on soil without the proper percentage of pine bark! Sadie and I hope Josh is on the mend.
I’m off to be Sadie’s suz chef. Tonight it’s homemade pizza! Until next time, may your days be at least half as blessed and fruitful as ours!
Sadie and her Mother
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Marissa is a New Jersey based Actor and Adjunct Professor with a love for all things hilarious. Twitter: @mdogwolfy Instagram: @mdogwolfy. If you liked what you read, feel free to check out the story below:
