Exposed: Underground Pet Owner Societies and Their Sacred Rituals
A classified guide to the most fanatical pet cults in suburbia
THE ORDER OF THE GOLDEN POOPER-SCOOPER
Elite dog owners who carry three types of biodegradable bags and judge everyone else for not having the correct shade of forest green. Their secret handshake involves pretending to pick up imaginary poop while maintaining intense eye contact. Members must pass a blind sniff test to identify different brands of biodegradable bags.
THE FELINE ILLUMINATI
Cat owners who claim their pets have never jumped on kitchen counters. They meet at midnight to share Photoshopped pictures of their cats sleeping peacefully in expensive beds instead of cardboard boxes. Their secret manifesto, ‘The Purrtocols,’ outlines proper techniques for pretending your cat doesn’t own your house.
THE SACRED HAMSTER WHEEL
A shadowy group convinced their hamsters are reincarnated philosophers. They interpret wheel-running patterns as profound commentary on existentialism while drinking tiny thimbles of sparkling water.
