Prepare to Suffer in Easter Hell Because You Did Not Celebrate Enough by Our Impossible Standards
Enjoy your pastel prison where only the bunnies can hear you scream
You have been found guilty of forsaking your festive duties ever since Halloween. For your heinous acts, you shall be sentenced to one week of supervised Easter celebration. You are not eligible for parole. There is no escaping this sentence.
To prepare for this supervised, court-mandated activity, you will be forced to collect palm leaves, set them on fire, and then make pancakes. This is just the beginning of your labor requirements.
Next, you will purchase eggs at the store, but not for sustenance. Rather than consume the eggs, you will coat them in dye. To ensure the severity of this activity, you will perform this task with toddlers. The dye will remain on your hands and not come off. You will have to clean up the eggs that shatter. You shall be coated in sticky yolk.
You must locate a fragile straw basket, fill it with slivers of cellophane grass, and place within it copious amounts of hydrogenated oils, butylated hydroxytoluene, and high fructose corn syrup. As you do so, hundreds of strips of cellophane will contaminate your clothing, your carpet, your purse, your bath towels, and your…
