Frequently Asked Questions Concerning Our Invasion of Your Planet
Despite the events of the past week is there any chance you come in peace?
I’m afraid not. The bloodshed and outright carnage we have been responsible for over the last seven days is fairly indictive of our long-term goals in regard to the inhabitants of your planet.
We haven’t somehow misread your intentions?
Not unless you believe are intentions to be forcing Earthlings into complete servitude. In that case you are spot on. Well done.
This isn’t some sort of test and any minute now you are going to turn round and say, “Congratulations you’ve passed and we can now become economic partners” or something like that?
It would be a funny sort of test. A kind of a, “Let’s kill lots of you and see how you feel about it” sort of test. No, it doesn’t sound quite right does it? I think we will have to agree that our time on Earth has not taken the form of a test.
Our planet has a rich variety of vitamins/minerals and various sources of energy. Are you sure you don’t want to trade?
Sorry to labour the point, but our arrival was motivated by the desire to take control of your feeble race. We didn’t travel half-way across the Universe to pick up some fruit salad and a tank of gasoline.
In that case, are you allergic to water by any chance?
Believe it or not, we actually checked for potential intolerances and allergies before making the rather long trip to Earth.
What about our diseases? Did you forget about our diseases? Please say you forgot about our diseases?
We can bathe in your germs and not get so much as a runny nose.
Let’s change the subject. Your force fields are very impressive. Can anything penetrate them?
Your solar system does not contain a single material that is capable of scratching the surface of our force fields. In fact, any explosion — nuclear or otherwise — will be absorbed in a manner that actually makes our force fields stronger. That’s the best part!
Yes but what would happen to them if we used a laptop to download a virus onto your computer mainframe?
We have it on good authority that Jeff Goldblum is a fine actor who brings some much needed insouciance to his Hollywood rules, however, on this occasion he will be of little use. I apologise if what you are about to read comes as something of a shock, but our communication system is not compatible with Microsoft Windows.
Do you think humans possess a special intangible quality, allowing them to forget their differences in times of trouble and rise up in victory no matter how greatly the odds are stacked against them?
I wouldn’t have thought so.
Oh dear. Is there anything we can do?
Is there anything we can say?
Yes … Only joking. It’s another no.
You know, it feels like up until a week ago we lived in a time of glorious innocence; the Universe no more than a pleasant painting brought out every evening for our admiration; now we huddle on this fragile rock in the manner of our ancient ancestors awaiting the next terror to emerge from the deep. Do you know what I mean?
I can totally see where you are coming from.
Are we going to be enslaved and forced to attend military schools, just so we can compete for your entertainment in gladiatorial combat against other planets held within the evil empire’s clenched fist?
Correct. Very good. Very good indeed. I’m starting to like you.