Get Ready to Run Like You’re a Half-Naked Girl in a Horror Movie
Discard your fear of failure and your bra!
How many of you have spent your lives wanting to start running? And while you’re pondering it, your life is slipping away? Literally, because you could very well be chased by a man with scars on his face wielding a machete.
That’s where I come in. I’m here to whip each and every one of you into shape so you’re fully prepared to be a pageant-ready final girl. No, not you. I can see your roots. Get out.
You just need that first push. That push could be a little paunch around your middle, feeling winded when you walk up the stairs, or bloody fingerprints left on your window.
You! You’ve got the paunch. I want you to put on your heels…You didn’t bring heels? Holy mother of the screaming lambs. Who raised you? Norman Bates’ mother? Borrow heels from the blonde girl without the roots. Now, give me 20.
I’ve been running my whole life. I’ve learned how to overcome hurdles — the lack of motivation, the aching knees, the shin splints. The secret? I run like I’m a beautiful teenager wearing only a jog bra and tiny shorts. I’ve been watching horror movies my whole life, and I’ve honed this program to help you jog your cares away while replacing them with new fears about the…
