Image by Kyrie Gray

Help! My Boyfriend Only Loves the Colonial Era Version of Me

Am I too modern for my man?

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Dear Ann Landers:

My boyfriend Tom and I have been together for two blissful years. But ever since what was supposed to be a romantic trip to Colonial Williamsburg, I’ve sensed a change in him.

Sometimes, I hear him muttering something like, “Your blacksmithing days will end soon, Elias, you chuffy bastard” in his sleep. Moreover, when I came home from work the other day, the bedroom door was locked, and I distinctly heard him crying out, “Churn the butter! Churn the butter!” I also heard the faint sound of rustling, and when he unlocked the door, nobody else was inside. I could see a bonnet tied around his neck, though.

Recently, Tom suggested cosplay. We haven’t incorporated this into our bedroom activities previously, but I agreed that it might be a fun way to spice up our dwindling sex life. I told Tom to pick up something special for me, expecting a schoolgirl or French maid outfit. Imagine my surprise when he presented me with linen undergarments, a full stay, three layers of woolen petticoats, and a quilted gown.

I thought, perhaps, that he wanted to bundle me up before undressing me. He lit an array of tallow candles and donned a gray wig. I was really getting in the mood! But then, he presented me with a needle and thread and an embroidery hoop, before he told me to sit in the corner and work on my needlepoint.

He no longer uses the bathroom, either. He’s taken to calling the toilet a “willful porcelain monster.” Now, he uses a chamberpot. I didn’t even know what a chamberpot looked like! But once you see your partner relieving himself in what appears to be the world’s largest teacup, you know what a chamberpot looks like. So much for reaping the rewards of his new soapmaking hobby.

What do I do? I truly love Tom, but how do I compete with the 18th century?

Sincerely,

Too modern for my man?

Dear Too Modern,

Take it from an expert: embracing your partner’s interests is the bedrock of a successful relationship. Consider this a reminder that we must constantly face challenges in relationships, whether that’s a newfound

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Laura Berlinsky-Schine
Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Writer of words. Mocker of people and things. Dog mom to Hercules. The Rumpus, Points in Case, Weekly Humorist, Slackjaw, Belladonna, etc.