Help Us Find (But More Importantly, Do Not Approach) Our Missing Dog
He will make you chase him to the ends of the earth before surrendering
HELP!!!
Please, I beg of you, regard the urgency of this flyer’s bold font and frequent use of caps. Our beloved dog, Muffins, is missing.
Muffins knows his name but is unlikely to respond to it. He is wearing a purple collar that doesn’t list a single piece of identifying information about him or us, his owners. No, he is not microchipped, even in this day and age.
It is highly imperative that you help return him to us, the world’s most responsible pet owners, who regularly let him off-leash despite his high prey drive and quadrupedal running speed.
Above all, you must remember this extremely important directive: Do. Not. Approach. The. Dog. This is even more vital than locating him. Do not let him think for one split second that you will move your body toward his or that you even suspect who he is. If you do, he will high-tail it out of the area code before you can shake a bag of dog treats.
Muffins, you see, is what you would call a flight risk. You CANNOT chase him or engage in any pursuant-adjacent behavior. You should absolutely NOT advance toward him. You may possibly call us to…
