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How to Court the Great Eye of Sauron in 5 Simple Steps
He might be all eyeball, but you can win his heart
Modern dating is a never-ending parade of humiliation and it’s shocking anyone does it. But, people in 2025 are desperate for affection—they’re willing to slap their heavily-filtered selfies onto online dating marketplaces for all the world to see. They’re willing to sit across the table from desperate single after desperate single, dodging terrible jokes and chewing through one mediocre rigatoni after another.
You know who doesn’t care about selfies? Sauron the Abhorrent Eyeball. You know who can’t eat pasta, due to not having a mouth? Sauron the Loathsome King of Flames.
So, maybe it’s time to start pitching your woo in the direction of Mordor.
1). Get Off the Apps, Girl
If you’re serious about winning his vile and shriveled affections, you’ll have to do it the old fashioned way. The realllllyyyyyyy old fashioned way.
Stop DMing random internet scrubs and start studying up on siege strategies and interrogation techniques. Learn to swing a battle axe without tripping on the chain. Maybe start training up an army of ghouls. These are the kinds of qualities you’ll need to hold the attention of the entity known as Sauron the…
