How to Tinder like a 19th Century English Aristocrat
Your guide to securing a beneficial love match in the modern age
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These are trying times and the pool of eligible bachelors is slimmer than ever. But you, my fresh-faced, virgin gosling, are determined to secure a love match. This is such a noble endeavour that we, the ladies at The 19th-century period drama dating agency ᵀᴹ, are compelled to help in any way possible. Our methods are unorthodox, our whalebone corsets tight, and our faces slowly degrading under an inch of corrosive white lead. In short: we are not to be underestimated.
Let’s begin with you. You are a beguiling specimen, a frail English rose with the complexion of a vitamin D deficient octogenarian. Just the way we like them. You turn heads with your spirited pianoforte and know how to execute a sultry flash of those exquisite bone-white ankles in a jaunty waltz. You are well-read and educated, but not enough to presume that you should have the vote. Suitors far and wide have commented on your superb “countenance”, (though no-one on god’s earth knows what this means) and croon that your watery eyes make them think of tuberculosis (but, like, in a sexy way). A grand start.
First, you must be presented to society in your debutante. Ideally, this would be at a ball at the country manor of your friendly neighbourhood lord and lady. Even better, Her Majesty would be in attendance, but frustratingly she has been ignoring our carrier pigeons. No matter! Our research shows that most modern ladies are using an “Application” called “Tinder”. We must say that on investigating this app several of our best ladies felt quite faint and had to retire to their bedchambers to recover. Nonetheless, we will never hear it said that we at The 19th-century period drama dating agency ᵀᴹ do not know how to move with the times.
Your “Tinder” should showcase your best portraits, the ones where your father did not petition to have the artist hanged, and clarify that you are “here for a long time, not a good time” (ie. nothing short of arduous, lifelong marriage will do). Some women of loose morals are announcing themselves to be “DTF” (down to fornicate) and needless to say we will not hear of such vulgarity.
A word of warning: some women have received high definition portraits of a vulgar nature to their mobile devices. Such a scandal would leave your honour in tatters. You don’t want to meet the fate of our ex-member Elizabeth, who provocatively retied her bonnet strings in front of the gardener and had to be expelled from polite society. She washes her own chamber pots now and hasn’t been invited to a ball in two years. It’s quite heartbreaking.
Ah! Your first match! Excellent. He is high in rank and brooding over the burden of responsibility that comes with his enormous wealth. A burden you will soon happily relieve him of! Now you must engage in the art of seduction through virtual chat. Good topics to pique his interest include: how stately his manor is, how stately your manor is, his favourite type of game to shoot and the paltry marriage prospects of your lesser siblings.
If things get dull you could lighten things up with a hilarious anecdote about that time a bachelor tried to court you with only three acres to his name. Or that time your father gambled away your dowry for a prize mare and you threw yourself prostrate on your bed and cried yourself to sleep every night until he won it back. Such amusing shenanigans! You are quite the conversationalist.
For your first rendezvous, wear a corset that your mother should tighten with passive-aggressive force to remind you of your womanly shame. We noticed you’ve picked up some extra pounds so be sure to follow the tapeworm regimen we gave you. You also seem to have some worry lines forming, doubtless from contemplating a future as an unmarried, pot-washing spinster. To fix this before you become wholly unappetising, please refer to our instructions on applying an overnight raw meat face press.
You will have one brief conversation wherein you should engage in a curt, witty exchange, then spend the rest of the evening exchanging fervent glances from other sides of the room. Do not talk too much and do not under any circumstances think about what lies beneath his pantaloons. You will be giddy already from the stirring of your deeply repressed sexuality, or failing that from inhaling the toxic fumes from your face powder.
But alas! What’s this! One of my ladies has just informed me that we have mixed up your records and you are actually 24 and rapidly approaching spinsterhood. Unfortunately, you are past saving, I actually believe I can already detect the stale odour of death on your person. We informed the bachelor and he had to take two glasses of whisky to steady his nerves after such a close call.
Goodbye and good luck and if you have a younger sister please feel free to refer her to The 19th-century period drama dating agency ᵀᴹ. You may as well put DTF on your profile now.
