Hydrate with EcoHealth Bottled Water, Glacially-Sourced with Naturally Occurring Micro-Plastic Nutrients
We deliver an uninterrupted flow of pure water, one plastic bottle at a time.
Enough with the bottled water attacks. Since when did water become controversial? EcoHealth’s bottled water is the symbol of life. Wait, it is life. We’re preserving life one plastic bottle at a time. You know the adage: Find a way to bottle the essence of life, and you’ll be rich. Well, that’s exactly what we did, and we are. We serve up life in its purest form for just $11.99/case. Yet, while we deliver a product essential to life, scientists troll us in the media.
First, they challenge our glacial sourcing claim. They note there’s not a single glacier within a thousand miles of our bottling plant in Topeka. Apparently, they never learned about the water cycle in fourth grade. All water was frozen in glaciers at some point in earth’s history. Glaciers are water’s Adam and Eve. If there were an ancestry.com for water, test results would show that our water can be traced back to an ancient glacial continent. We guarantee the purest glacial water extracted from our proprietary source — the bathroom at Earl’s Chevron.
Next, researchers cite microplastics in our bottled water. Okay, perhaps Earl’s customer left a dental dam on the edge of the sink. Or maybe Earl used styrofoam to insulate the pipes just before we filled our bottles. Look, microplastics are everywhere. They’re in our soil and air, our rivers and oceans. They’re in Nemo’s aquarium and Barbie’s hair. They’re in chicken McNuggets and Caesar salad kits. They even accumulate in the crotches of Lulu Lemon yoga pants.
Your microplastics have to come from somewhere. They might as well originate from a clean, safe source like ours. That’s why we deliver the maximum allowable level of microplastics in every bottle. With EcoHealth water, you receive micronutrients in every swallow without paying Vitamin Water prices.
Further, ecologists attack our single-use practice for littering beaches, killing wildlife and plugging our landfills. But let’s review a few of the many ways our “single-use” bottles can be reused. Filled with sand, our bottles can be juggled or serve as candle holders. Submerged, they can create mini-ecosystems for barnacles, hermit crabs and sea anemones. Placed in a line, they can replicate ancient Peruvian pan pipes when you blow across them. And kids always need plastic bottles for science fair projects.
On the next family road trip, demonstrate to your young scientist how well you paid attention in fourth grade. Simply pee in one of our bottles to complete the water cycle. Just remember to tighten the cap afterward.
Finally, naysayers complain our tossed plastic bottles contribute to community blight. The fact is, our containers enhance safety. Crime is a primary concern for everyone, and we at EcoHealth do our part to help apprehend violent offenders. Detectives swab the rims of our empty plastic bottles to collect DNA evidence to convict killers and rapists. Our discarded bottles create cheap and efficient sting operations that are more effective than Ring cameras and neighborhood patrols.
Despite the scientific evidence, EcoHealth bottled water is the solution rather than the problem. If embraced fully, bottled water could eliminate monthly water bills and water utilities entirely. One liter of our bottled water can perform a complete shampoo and rinse. Three liters will flush a toilet full of floating McNuggets and their accompanying microplastics. A pallet of our bottled water air-dropped on a front yard will green up a withering landscape. Not to mention the potential for targeting wildfires. We deliver an uninterrupted flow of pure glacial water, one plastic bottle at a time.
Recall when the tobacco industry came under attack in the ‘80’s and survived. Now it appears to be our turn. We too will survive this unfortunate smear campaign. In the meantime, please continue to consume EcoHealth water liberally. The micro-plastic dust will settle. The media babble will fade. Like a wind-driven tide, this manufactured problem will eventually recede. Left behind on storm berms and white sand beaches will be rafts and rafts of glistening bottled water.
By the way, if you pass through Topeka, fill up at Earl’s.
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