Image licensed from Depositphotos

I Am A Proud Double Cheesburger And I Will Not Let A Vegan Decide My Worth

“Find those that love and respect you.”

Kyrie Gray
Jul 30 · 2 min read

With my glistening patties and luscious full buns I know I’m hot, especially when straight off the grill. I’m a double cheeseburger and I don’t need anyone to tell me my worth. It is I, not the milkshakes, that bring all the boys to the yard

Lately I’ve noticed a trend. Curious vegans creep my way, wanting a bite of forbidden meat. Plaid shirts, work shirts, no shirts, they come in all shapes and sizes. The one unifier is their supposed allegiance to the vegan lifestyle.

Oh, they come into my establishment with their friends, sneering as their meat-loving companions devour me whole. They offer their opinions about why I’m no good. But I’ve seen that look in their eye. That hunger.

Many sneak into the restaurant alone, during off hours when they know they won’t be seen. Do they get a salad? No. It’s me they ask for.

They make me believe that I’m the one for them. “I’ve tried the whole vegetable thing and it’s just not for me.” These sweet nothings are whispered. I used to think it was romantic. But it’s just so no one overhears their betrayal.

Then without notice they turn tail and run back to their precious kale salad while shouting, “It meant nothing!”

Sadly all I can do is watch, hurt. A double cheeseburger double-crossed. I’m not made of stone, which tastes terrible. I used to be an organic thing. I know what it is to love.

Never again! My guard is up. Woe to the vegan who looks at his omnivore friend’s plate and says, “Could I just have a tas-” I shall strike them down before they get to finish that word.


Thanks for reading! Follow Jane Austen’s Wastebasket for daily humor and check out more stories you might like below. Also sign up for my newsletter if you want fun stuff straight to your inbox:

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

Kyrie Gray

Written by

Freelancer, comedian, and coffee drinker. Writing nerdy humor, practical advice, satire, and stories. Also draws comics sometimes.

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade