I Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic, Insist on Personally Watching This Hippogriff Die
The expanded Harry Potter scene no one asked for
Sadly, there are no ifs, ands, or buts about it Mr. Potter. By the official order of the Ministry of Magic, I am here to witness the execution of this dangerous hippogriff. It attacked a student and the law is the law. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it. And to be clear — that person is me, Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic.
Oh, I see. You think that as the leader of the entire wizard government of Britain — it’s odd that I oversee such a trivial matter. That it is “hardly necessary” for me to take time out of my day governing the world’s 5th largest economy to fly up to some school and watch a guy kill a giant horse-eagle. Well, that’s where you’re dead wrong, Potter.
It is in fact directly my responsibility to watch this Hippogriff die. Through some sort of zigzag in the bureaucratic chain of command — I am required to witness the death of every euthanized magical animal in the British Isles. I basically spend half of my week with Axe Man here, apparating around the country killing things.
Yes, Ms. Granger — it would perhaps make more sense if we had someone below me take care of these affairs. Maybe the head of the Department of Dangerous Magical Creatures, or an intern. But again, the bylaws I wrote state — it’s got to be me — Cornelius Fudge, the democratically elected leader of wizard England.
Sure, it doesn’t quite make sense. But then again — a lot about our government doesn’t make sense. We still communicate by bird. That’s clearly not efficient. We openly enslaved another sentient race — that surely doesn’t jive with the Wizengamot Charter of Rights. Also, we hired evil, happiness-sucking monsters that look like the Ghost of Christmas Future as our prison guards. The point is, don’t think about it too hard.
No, you’re right Mr. Potter. You’d think since I have to schedule and oversee the massively complicated logistics of two international wizarding competitions in the next couple of months — I wouldn’t have time to oversee this standard animal axe murder. Again — you’d be wrong. My schedule is like Lucius Malfoy’s racism — pretty open.
Just this week, I had time to oversee the dispatching of eight hinkypunks and a redcap. Last month, I watched the execution of a Hydra. It took hours. We just kept hacking away like idiots before we realized we ought to switch up strategies. Check out this moving portrait I had made. Yes — that is a lot of blood, Ms. Granger. Excellent observation, 10 points to Gryffindor.
Nope, it’s a done deal, Mr. Weasley. Today, this Hippogriff right here — needs to die. Ah, my mistake — these things all look the same. This one needs to die. Really? Shit. Ok, well somewhere here is a hippogriff named “Buckle-face” and we’re going to kill it. Buckbeak — exactly, that’s what I said. Soon, Buckbeak’s head is going to be like He Who Must Not Be Named and a string of missing wizards — completely unconnected.
Yes, as a matter of fact, Ms. Granger — I have been drinking. Excellent observation, sixty-two points to Granger. You see, pre-gaming these shindigs makes the whole thing more fun. Now Weasley, hold the camcorder while I open some butterbeers for us.
Oh, enough pearl-clutching you three. This execution process is all very scientific, professional, and above all — humane. Which reminds me, if you’re watching in the “Splash Zone”, you’re definitely going to want to try to accio a poncho or something. Ok, wait — where the hell did Buckle-face go?
