Photo by Karsten Winegeart on Unsplash

My Dog is an Idiot Who’s Out to Embarrass Me in Front of the Other Dog Moms

He even failed to solve the New York Times crossword puzzle!

Kyrie Gray
May 9 · 3 min read

Hey Jane!

I know it’s late but I’ve been tossing and turning over this issue all week and I need some sisterly advice. You remember that dog I rescued last month from the breeder? Yes it was a rescue, I prevented him from going to a completely unsuitable girl with less than 400 followers on Insta and no plans at all to create a private account for her pet. Can you imagine what would have befallen Seymour had I NOT stepped in and destroyed her application?

Anyway, I think he’s dumb. I tested him and everything. Jane, he failed every test, and then some.

You probably think I’m being ridiculous, but I assure you that this is no joke. First I gave him one of those puzzle containers, a ball-shaped maze thing where you put the food in the center to see if he could retrieve his treat. My dull Seymour just batted it around the kitchen like it was some kind of toy ball instead of a very serious instrument designed for his brain’s growth. It was so frustrating.

After that, I tried to throw my bedding over him to see if he could get out of the blanket prison by himself. Yet he stayed under there, pretending he didn’t know how to escape a 50-pound weighted blanket. Elle’s corgi escaped from under a tea towel in less than 2 seconds. And her video of the experiment got over two thousand likes on Instagram! I got nothing but people shaming me for “abuse” and a deep disappointment in the animal I brought into my home.

Seriously, having a dumb dog is dangerous. Imagine if we were walking through the park and I fell down a well. Seymour wouldn’t be able to lead the cops back to me. I should know, I tried to get him to find my boyfriend’s house using the GPS and all he did was look at me with those beautiful, stupid eyes.

Besides the GPS he’s proven unable to understand a foreign language, find a cure for cancer, or even solve the NYT crossword on the easy days. I’m not being hyperbolic here, he’s the dumbest dog I know. Can you believe he put down “chipmunk” when the answer was obviously Van Gogh? Do you not understand how embarrassing that is to me as an owner? His ignorance reflects poorly on me. All the other dog moms in the Facebook group are talking behind my back now.

Then during the heist I meticulously planned that dog forgot to disable the sensor on the glass case while he was taking care of the lasers. Would a smart dog, like Tiffany’s poodle, forget such an important step in a heist? No, Jane, they would not. I swear this dog wants to be my worst enemy, not my best friend.

But there was still one last test I could try. The last chance for Seymour to prove himself.

One person suggested I put a treat under one of three cups and then mix them up to see if Seymour could find it. I upped the ante though. I made Seymour watch as I drank some poison before putting the antidote under a cup. Once they were moved around, the creature would not find the antidote. He just stood there barking over me, before calling 911 on the phone. The paramedics saved my life, but I wish they hadn’t. I don’t how I’ll be able to live my life as the mom of a stupid dog.

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Kyrie Gray

Written by

Writer of humor, spooky things, and history. Subscribe to my newsletter, Guffaw for updates, musings and other fun stuff https://guffaw.substack.com/welcome

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

Kyrie Gray

Written by

Writer of humor, spooky things, and history. Subscribe to my newsletter, Guffaw for updates, musings and other fun stuff https://guffaw.substack.com/welcome

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

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