If the Spammy Emails in My Inbox Were Honest

They pretend to care just long enough for you to click that link

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The empty cart email:

Subject: Oops, Did You Forget Something?

Dear Alison,

It seems you forgot to complete your purchase. We’ve been stalking your abandoned shopping cart, just waiting for you to come back and claim what’s destined to be yours. Don’t be afraid to put yourself first, Ali. You deserve a $60 weighted blanket. You’re clearly exhausted and could use a good night’s rest, otherwise you wouldn’t be so scattered and forgetful.

Don’t worry, we know deficits of attention are common in your generation. It’s not your fault that you’re overworked, underpaid, and can’t focus. Because we care, we’re here to make it easier for you to get back on track by bombarding you with three emails a day until you commit to finishing the task.

The overly enthusiastic welcome email followed by the one that is less nice when you don’t visit their site:

Subject: “Congratulations on Joining Us!”

Dear Philomena,