If You’re the First Husband of a Plucky Pioneer Woman in a Hallmark Movie, You Should Be Deeply Afraid
Love may come softly, but so does the Grim Reaper.
I see the hidden worry in your eyes, son. I know you’ve seen the way things are out here in the wild frontier. Perhaps you, like me, have reason to be deeply afraid. Well, that’s why I called you here today. From one first husband to another, let’s talk business.
First of all, how are things going in your marriage to that beautiful blonde woman with the enchanting wisps of loose hair that blow about her face in the rough prairie wind? (It’s a shame hairpins apparently haven’t been invented yet.)
Are things not so great with the two of you?
Well, that won’t last.
Are things all too great with the two of you?
Well, that can’t last.
Maybe you just married her because she’s beautiful in an off-brand movie star way and she felt indebted to you for saving her parents’ farm/rescuing her baby brother from coyotes with your heirloom shotgun/being the only fella in Vulture’s Gulch who still has all his teeth. Are you starting to feel the creeping chill that runs down your back when she talks about true love? Do you know, deep in your heart, that she…
