I’m a Very Mindful Person Who Just Happens to Plot Revenge During Meditation

Finding inner peace through elaborate schemes of karmic justice

Image created in Canva by the author

My meditation practice has transformed me into a beacon of serenity. Every morning, I sit in lotus position, focus on my breath, and meticulously plan how to destroy Mackenzie from my pottery class who “accidentally” dropped my prize-winning vase before the art fair judging.

But that’s not important right now. What matters is staying present in this moment. Inhale. Observe the gentle rise of your chest. Exhale. Picture Mackenzie’s face when she realizes I’ve befriended her elderly aunt and convinced her to remove Mackenzie from the family kimchi recipe inheritance line.

My teacher says thoughts should float away like soap bubbles in a hurricane. I find this metaphor confusing but I pretend it’s deeply meaningful. So when intrusive thoughts about Barry from my writer’s group who gave my manuscript a “meh” review appear, I acknowledge these thoughts without judgment. Then I calmly add his name to the list of people whose downfall I’ll orchestrate once I perfect my technique of strategically relocating his childhood memorabilia.

The path to enlightenment requires acceptance. That’s why I’ve accepted that my neighbor’s wind chimes are…