I’m Jesus and These are all the Things I Plan to Do After I Emerge from the Tomb, Fully Vaccinated
“Forget turning water to wine. I’ve had enough wine…”
After being cooped up in this dark tomb (and yeah, it was just 3 days but let me tell you, it felt like an entire year), I am ready to roll that freakin’ rock away and come out to take on 2021, this time with a vial of Johnson & Johnson coursing through my (previously dead) veins! In preparation for this moment, here is my list of post-cave-quarantine plans:
1. Eat out with all 12 of the Apostles again and drive the waitstaff nuts asking to all sit on one side of the table. Since the last time we went out was for supper, maybe an outdoor brunch? Bottomless mimosas with the bros would be iconic (like, for real though, if there’s a painter there to capture it).
Note to self: Remember to leave Judas with the tab.
2. Finally get to visit my Mom & Stepdad without having to wear my shroud across my mouth and nose (side note: need to wash this thing). Mentally prepare to have the same argument of why I’m not going to be a carpenter. I am supposed to save the world from the evil of Original Sin, Joseph! And frankly, my birdhouses have historically been structurally unsound, and he knows it.
3. Start looking for my own place, with room for a Peloton. Cody Rigsby makes me want to ride until I feel like My Father has forsaken me! Plus, his Britney Spears ride makes me feel ALIVE!*
4. Road trip to Cana and crash a wedding party. Make sure to talk to whoever will listen about how I will NOT be turning water into wine because Kombucha is so much better for your gut health.
5. Have a serious talk with the boys about starting our own Kombucha company. Tea of Galilee? It’s a work in progress…
6. Join Whole30 & finally cut loaves out of my daily diet** It’s been a real Treat Yo’ Self March for me, so hopefully, no one will remember “Cross Jesus” when snatched, April Jesus emerges.
7. Work on my ambidexterity since I will, eventually, need to ascend to the right hand of God and I’m left-handed.
8. Get off the Jerusalem Temple Marketplace’s “No Sale” List. I have a bunch of Tyrian Shekels burning a hole in my tunic pocket!
9. Adopt some animals. As a former 34-year-old man, it’s time I started taking some domestic responsibility for something other than a Palm Frond. Maybe some sheep? After all, they do call me the Good Shepherd.
10. Get verified on Tik Tok (Smash that like button @therealprophetjesus!) so people finally start believing my miracles.
*Which, I could really use right now.
**Fishes are fine.
