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I’m Just Looking For A Man Who Wants A Serious Relationship With A Mermaid

And one who won’t doom me to spend eternity as foam

Kyrie Gray
Oct 21 · 3 min read

Hello potential suitors,

As you can see from my profile I am a mermaid. Fret not, I have a source who can create a sweet pair of legs for me once I find a guy who is worthy of them.

That’s right, I’m looking for something serious. There’s no chill girl here who is up for whatever. I won’t tolerate dating in a grey area, sleeping on a pillow outside your door, or being told I’m like a sister. Oh, it that what you’re into? Then keep scrolling. I’m not interested.

I’m pretty much the best catch there is, and I won’t waste time on dalliances with wishy-washy men anymore.

Don’t let my forwardness about what I want scare you away. When we are married I won’t go on for hours about what Jessie did to Amanda at the market. Nor will I spoil a tv show you like with incessant questions. In fact I won’t be able to speak at all. It’s the price I pay for legs and other human anatomy. But you won’t get any of that good, magically produced stuff until a ring is on my finger.

You might think I’m asking too much. Should this be the case then you obviously have never had your heart broken after giving up your voice, and then broke your sister’s hearts (after they cut off their hair for you) by refusing to slay the guy who broke your heart ONLY TO THEN end up as sea foam.

Photo by Jakub Gorajek on Unsplash

Yes, I have baggage. Who doesn’t?

Truly, I was foolish back then. I was so dumb that I let my love for him get in the way of much needed contractual obligations. I spent almost 1000 years as sky bubbles for failing to get the proper words of affection from him. I thought he’d come around and realize I was more than just a “sister” figure.

He did not.

Back then I made the choice to not stab him. Believe me, I won’t make that mistake again.

If you break my heart, I’ll rip yours out and eat it.

Other human girls say it’s really hard for men to open up and say, “I love you.” That it’s just, Not in men’s nature.

Um…excuse me? It was in my nature to eat the flesh of men I shipwrecked. If I can stop mutilating sailor’s bodies, then they can say three simple words.

So if you want to get to know me, come hang out on the pier. We can take it slow, with me in my mermaid form. I just don’t want to find out on your wedding night TO SOMEONE ELSE that I wasn’t the right fit. This time around I will maintain my dignity and my tail.

Despite all the heartache, and years spent as bubbles, I want to take a chance on love again.

Sincerely,

The Little And No Longer Naïve Mermaid

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

Kyrie Gray

Written by

Freelancer, comedian, and coffee drinker. Writing nerdy humor, practical advice, satire, and stories. Also draws comics sometimes.

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

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