Image licensed from Depositphotos

I’m Not A Bad Wolf, I’m Just An Actor Hired To Teach Children A Lesson So They Can Be Their Best Selves

“Don’t believe all the grim reviews.”

Kyrie Gray
Nov 1 · 4 min read

I know you’ve heard of me. I’m the bad wolf in every fairy tale. How does it usually go? “Big bad wolf comes. Big bad wolf eats kids or sheep. Blah, blah, blah.” Sound familiar? Are you scared to just be around me?

Well I’m here to tell you the truth. I’m paid to spread stories like that. Why? Because I work for the Department of Children’s Safety and Education. It’s our duty to make sure that your kids aren’t swallowed whole by the real bad animals or people who exist out in the real world. No matter what century you live in, it’s dangerous out there for children who don’t head practical warnings. The other day I heard of a girl who got her feet chopped off because of some shoes. Not my team’s focus, but still you can see what happens when less diligent officials fail at their jobs.

Basically it works like this. We get a call from a concerned parent. Their child is acting out in a way that could result in loss of property or life. They want me and my team to scare them straight. So we work out a plan perfectly tailored to our client’s needs.

Sometimes that means engineering an excuse to send a flakey daughter out to visit her “sick” grandmother. With the aid of actors, special effects, and hallucinogenic drugs, we can actually make a child believe she was swallowed by a wild animal. Believe me, she won’t be straying from the path anytime soon.

Licensed from Canva

Got a lot of referrals thanks to that happy mom. She’s actually the one who sent us to help her friend with the lazy son who liked to lie.

He was supposed to be guarding some sheep but could never resist the urge to prank the town for a laugh. Until I stepped in of course. It cost the mother a flock of sheep, but from what I’ve heard, her boy takes his work far more seriously now. Apparently the essay he wrote about the experience got him into a tier one school. I’d like to see a fairy godmother experience do that!

Although we get the odd parent who doesn’t always want to pay up. These instances don’t happen frequently. Unfortunately when they do, it’s really bad PR for us. Though mostly me. People already hate bureaucrats, so no story can help or hurt their reputation. But the stories of me terrorizing children makes the rounds and suddenly I’m the bad guy. No journalist ever asks our side of the story.

The most famous case was the mother pig who was trying to teach her boys a lesson about building sensible homes. Patience, how to spend money, all those things that make you an adult she wanted them to learn quickly. Her oldest was fine, but she said to us, “Scare my two youngest into protecting themselves.”

Image licensed from Depositphotos

With my incredible acting skills (and some well-placed dynamite) our department certainly did that. However in the end she decided she didn’t want to pay. So I ate two of her kids.

Hey! Notice I say I ate them after she refused to pay. Not when I destroyed their homes, like the stories claim. To be even more clear, she’d signed the contract. She knew that was part of the terms and conditions.

All I’m saying is don’t believe everything you read. Despite certain grim claims, my paws remain clean. In the legal sense anyway.

So if your child ever needs a gruesome shove onto the Path of Good, feel free to reach out. We have a website and are all over social media.

Just make sure you are willing to adhere to the contract. Otherwise you won’t have to worry about your kid, because I’ll eat them.

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Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

Kyrie Gray

Written by

Freelancer, comedian, and illustrator. Writes humor, practical advice, and about life. Check out Jane Austen’s Wastebasket for most of my funny scribbles.

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

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