I’m Not a Helicopter Parent, I Just Hired the FBI to Track My Son’s Every Move

How to give your child independence while maintaining total federal surveillance

Image created in Canva

Some parents track their kids’ phones. Others install nanny cams. Me? I simply hired the Federal Bureau of Investigation to conduct round-the-clock surveillance on my 12-year-old. It’s called being practical, Christine.

I specifically instructed Agent Helicopter to maintain at least a 50-foot distance when tailing Tommy to the mall. Those other crazy moms might go overboard with Navy SEAL teams or amateur microchip implants, but I believe in giving children space to grow under the watchful eyes of multiple federal agencies.

The wiretaps on his phone are strictly for emergencies, like if he’s thinking about trying out for the school musical without proper vocal training. And the satellite imaging is just so I can make sure he’s wearing the expensive winter coat I bought him. What kind of mother would I be if I let him catch a cold while the NSA’s thermal imaging technology sits idle?

Some might call installing facial recognition cameras in every classroom “excessive.” But how else am I supposed to know if he’s making that scrunched-up face that means he needs to use the bathroom but is too shy to ask…