Breaking Up with My Diet

It’s not you, it’s us

Kyrie Gray
Jun 3, 2020 · 2 min read
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Dear Diet,

By the time you read this I’ll be at the pizzeria. This isn’t how I wanted you to find out. I should have been honest from the beginning. However, I can’t pretend to be happy anymore. So I’m just going to say it. It’s over between us.

Please don’t take this breakup personally! It’s not you. It’s us. We aren’t good for each other. Not when we are trying to be exclusive. You need someone who is goal-oriented. Someone with a perfect top bun who truly believes that smoothies are a delicious dessert. You need someone who yearns to wear size-zero yoga pants more than feeling perfectly textured bread crumbs on their tongue.

And you know what? That’s not me.

Of course, there is someone else. You could sense it. You asked me to tell you the truth, and I lied. You were right. It was carbs all along.

I’m guessing you are about to angrily throw this letter away but I beg you to hear me out! I didn’t realize that carbs meant so much to me. Yet the more you told me to stay away, the more attracted I was to their complexness.

At first we’d innocently hang out, making eyes at each other at a pasta restaurant. Carbs would tease me about the salad I was eating. “You need a real meal,” they would say. I’d laugh it off, but my stomach would rumble with desire.

Then we started to do more things together. I can’t help it. I love a bad food group.

But beneath the stigma I learned that your foe was…sweet. Literally, as sometimes they were cake. But, more importantly, they was comforting. We’d watch Netflix together. They would help me deal with school and work stress. Plus they never made me feel guilty or like I had to choose.

“Sure, you can see other foods,” they’d say. “You’re an adult.”

And that’s why we are breaking up. Because with you, diet, I feel restricted. And I don’t think it’s for my own good, as you keep insisting. I know others congratulated us. Friends told me how fortunate I was to have you in my life, how amazing I looked.

However, I don’t care what others think anymore.

I hope we won’t be enemies. I will always remember you. Especially since summer is coming up and I really want us be on talking terms before I have to get into a bikini.

See you around!

Sincerely,

Your carb-loving friend.

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Kyrie Gray

Written by

Writer of humor, spooky things, and history. Subscribe to my newsletter, Guffaw for updates, musings and other fun stuff https://guffaw.substack.com/welcome

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

Kyrie Gray

Written by

Writer of humor, spooky things, and history. Subscribe to my newsletter, Guffaw for updates, musings and other fun stuff https://guffaw.substack.com/welcome

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

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