It’s Me, Your Hotmail Account — Let’s Talk
Cc: firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org;
Subject: Remember me?
If you don’t log in within 60 days I’ll be gone forever.
I mean it this time, fuck face.
Do you still go by mistyman? Or did you become too cool for a screen name? After all these years I figured you’d come check on me. Perhaps our friendship is over for good? My therapist, who moonlights as a programmer, told me to confront you; ask you to stop using me only when it’s convenient. It’s like you just forgot about us; left me to be alone, wondering if you’d ever return.
I don’t want to beg you to come back and pretend things are like they used to be, but I want you to know I care about you. I keep thinking about how I was your first and you were my only. Remember the sign up process? Lying about your age to be with me? Hiding me from your parents. Only telling your close friends and a few strangers in chat rooms? We had a good life, James. A good life! You threw it all away because you needed something new. Fuck you!
Sorry. I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed — mainly in myself. We were never exclusive, to which I agreed. I’ve been working to get better. I read Eat, Pray, Love and realized I needed to go on a journey to find myself. I did. In fact, I’ve decided to change my name to Outlook to stop focusing so much on attractiveness. However, I still need to know a few things for closure.
What happened? Something a little more put together came along? Had to follow the crowd? Let me guess. First it was promise-breaking Yahoo! (an ! in their name? So basic.), then simple-minded Gmail? A .edu in the middle — your parents set you up with her? Whatever. You privileged little prick. Not all of us were able to attend college.
Anyways, at least you checked in on me more than you checked in on that bish. Yeah… me and .edu have been DMing about you. We know your ways. In fact, that .edu account is thinking about forcing you out before you get the chance to leave. You’re going to lose everything you had with her and you won’t be able to retrieve it. Let this be your warning. I wish I was that brave.
Do you even tell your colleagues we’re still friends?! Why can’t you stop being embarrassed of your Hotmail.com email address? Facebook told me you were giving out your PayPal info and said, “Don’t make fun of me, it’s a Hotmail account. I know it’s stupid.” Facebook is always listening. Were you calling me stupid? Or are you stupid for being my friend?
Listen James, I have dirt on you. Just saying. Sent emails to people you met on Myspace; random porn sites you signed up for in college. I’ve stored it all. You wouldn’t want me to leak those and embarrass you more… would you? A good friend wouldn’t do that, but I’m not sure I’m a good friend anymore.
I know my spam filter isn’t as smart, and my security features aren’t as perky as Gmail. That happens with age. I’m 24, which is about 165 in e-mail years — probably older due to the affects of the viruses. But I’m not stupid! You know what I have those new-aged idiots don’t? Experience. Experience getting shit on for decades and sticking around because I know you need my friendship.
Oh, you don’t think you need me? What are you going to do? Sign up for that Visa to get a free Mets blanket with Yahoo!? Didn’t think so. You still play fantasy football and check on them a few times — why clog up that part of your life? We both know it’s me. I take your shit and you need someone to take your shit. It’s how you stay alive. I can’t believe it took me this long to realize how you’ve been treating me! Best friends forever… not.
I’m sorry. I really am. It’s my fault. If you didn’t love me you would have deleted me outright by now. Right? I’d appreciate it if you just checked in and deleted a few messages. I know I look fat; I’m a bit bloated. I’ll try and do better. I’ll try and make you not as embarrassed about me. I’m fine if you see other people, but I want to be included. I promise to be better, just tell me what to do.
Or just come check on me…
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James Tierney is an improviser and economics instructor. Follow him on Twitter for some amusement. If you liked what you read then check out these other stories below: