King Midas Begs for the Ability to Turn Daughter Back Into Gold

“She‘s driving me crazy and the schools are still closed!’”

Ryan Fan
Ryan Fan
Jan 16 · 3 min read
From Walter Crane at the Library of Congress — Public Domain

King Midas has lived happily ever after with his daughter for almost 2,000 years, after begging with Dionysus to turn her back from gold. They have weathered many storms together, including the fall of the Roman Empire, World War I, World War II, and more, but one challenge has King Midas begging to turn his daughter back into gold: the COVID-19 pandemic.

King Midas’s daughter is in high school, and she is driving him absolutely crazy. Suddenly in charge of her education and having to deal with her all the time at home, she is making his life miserable. He realizes his daughter might be better as gold than breathing.

“She won’t get off Tik Tok and actually complete her school assignments!” he said.

King Midas has received calls from several of his daughter’s teachers about how his daughter doesn’t complete her assignments, is disrespectful to her teachers, and doesn’t attend class. He’s now through with her not listening. Time and time again, he’s told her that her privilege as a princess does not absolve her of her educational responsibilities.

His daughter has not only been annoying him with her poor performance at school, but by blasting music and talking to her friends on her phone. He’s found himself severely impeded in his own ability to work from home. During Zoom meetings with other officials, King Midas always has significant background noise that makes him difficult to understand while giving decrees.

But his frustration with his daughter goes well beyond the scope of education. King Midas has also expressed that his daughter is always on Netflix, and constantly kicking him off his account. While trying to watch Bridgerton, both his wife and daughter are also watching Bridgerton, leading to King Midas not being where he left off in the show and having the whole thing spoiled for him.

“I didn’t even know there was a duel, and now they’re getting married?” he said.

Much of the frustration could be mitigated if his daughter simply wanted to spend time with him and watch it together, but she subconsciously insists on messing up his rhythm over and over. Instead of spending time with her father, the princess has been out partying with her friends.

Then, of course, the princess contracted COVID-19 from partying on Halloween, every worker at the house also contracted COVID-19, and it’s just been King Midas and his daughter at home. Midas realized he never actually liked being around his daughter. Only the idea of being a good father to an imagined daughter. As a perpetual God pleaser, King Midas sought to put the best image forward in case Zeus was watching.

He wants to turn his daughter into gold again because he’s so sick of being her father. He has joined multiple parent support groups, posting on Quora about what to do if your teenager is gaslighting you. With the rise of COVID cases in his part of the world, lockdowns and virtual learning aren’t going away any time soon. King Midas has taken up exercising outside for hours — just to get away from his daughter.

“I can’t deal with her anymore,” he said. “Please, Zeus, turn me into gold until I get the second dose of the vaccine!”

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other…

Ryan Fan

Written by

Ryan Fan

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket
Ryan Fan

Written by

Believer, Baltimore City special ed teacher, and 2:40 marathon runner. Diehard fan of “The Wire.” Email: Support me:

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

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