I already know that my unborn son is not necessarily primed for a life of dragon-slaying, princess-winning, and riddle-guessing. He can’t possibly be! He is the first son, not the seventh. Since I am not actually a queen living in the pages of a fairy tale, nor am I a member of the Duggar household, you can be pretty darn sure there isn’t going to be a seventh son. So, sadly, a life of mediocrity is already looming on the horizon for my first child, who will never have the chance to have his eldest-son arrogance quashed by a nonexistent sixth brother.
But it doesn’t have to be that way, does it? Surely I can find a name that will ensure my child’s future success, individuality, charisma, and entitled male protagonist syndrome. I need look no further than the library shelves for ideas!
Look, I get it, anyone can be named just plain old Arthur these days. If you’re an aardvark, you might even get a PBS show. But KING Arthur? This kicks it up a notch and lets everyone know my angel son is in it to win it. Available stone-embedded swords are scarce these days, admittedly. But with the proper encouragement in the kitchen, and maybe a sweet, sweet deal with a corporate flour sponsor, I could send him to the Great British Bake-Off someday.
Forget Jacob and Edward. I am old-school. Vampires are always chick magnets, right? I’ll be ensuring his constant popularity in middle school and beyond!
We might have to have a few talks about racial prejudice and the white colonialist mindset, sure, but on the flip side, he will KILL IT at Boy Scout camp.
If I can push him into a musical career from an early age, scholarships may abound! Imagine him studying at Juilliard, then stunning the masses at Carnegie Hall with an unconventional instrument! And if the performance career fails, he can always go into pest extermination. Win-win.
Art appreciation? Check. Eternally youthful countenance that makes him the poster child for “Dermatologists Hate Him” ads? Check. A name that constantly provokes questions about Finding Nemo? ….Aw, snap.
Eh… nope. Let’s not go there. Ew.
Long John Silver
I’m iffy on this one, as of course I do not want to promote or encourage the consumption of fast food for my precious little organic-only munchkin! But perhaps he can turn the stereotype around and become an advocate for fresh fruits and vegetables. They prevent scurvy, after all! I’ll just need to keep an eye on him around boats. And potential leg-threatening accidents.
Well, this one just drips with mystery, and will look great on applications to liberal arts colleges! I already know I’m going to have to teach him to share with other children — books, Legos, the crown of Scotland. If I have a girl eventually as well, it won’t be much of a stretch to extend that to “murder is wrong, no matter what your weird sister might have told you.”
Every mother wants her kid to get into kindergarten early, right? With a name that matches the most brilliantly clever detective in history, my little Sherly will surely be on his way to acing the ACTs before he finishes elementary school. We’ll just have to start that D.A.R.E. program a few years ahead of schedule, too.
In the end, though, I’m probably gonna have to go with this one. I’ve never been asked to spin straw into gold, but… I’d better just be on the safe side.
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