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Moving Companies I Wish I Could Hire

These businesses should exist

Kyrie Gray
Jan 19 · 3 min read

Moving can be a pain. That’s why I was disappointed to see so few options for movers available online. Sure, I could pay a buttload for individuals to come and get my things into a truck and transfer it across the country with the hope they don’t break anything. But that does nothing to help me with the packing or the emotional labor that goes into getting rid of my possessions. So I compiled a list of moving companies I hope to see in the future.

You know how you always seem to have too much stuff? Well, this company puts a limit on what you can pack. Don’t worry, your limit is your mind. Literally, if you can write it down, they will pack it. However, if you forget that item in the back of a drawer that you found at Goodwill, then perhaps it’s best forgotten. The company will take everything you don’t name to a donation center. Or sell it. Why do you care? You didn’t even like it enough to remember to write it down.

Moving is boring. There, I said it. I want to pass the time with new people so I don’t feel like I’m wasting my evening. Blind Move will send over a good date. You can ramble on about each item if you run out of conversation topics. They will offer encouragement, and share a bottle of oh-my-god-there’s-another-drawer-of-pans wine. With Blind Move you’ll laugh away the night and, who knows, you may end up with a long-distance relationship if you hit it off over your collection of cat figurines.

Does that item bring you joy? Are you lying? We all do, so no one is judging. The Marie Kondo Movers are a group of energetic devotees of the organizational deity herself who use their mystical powers to see your aura. When they can see from your energy (which cannot lie) that you don’t really love that sock, they will toss it, saving you the emotional turmoil of making a decision. Not to mention saving you room in an already packed car.

Naked elves that come to do all the work for me while I sleep? Sure! However, there is one contract stipulation. One can never give them clothes or the contract is null and void. And you can’t ask questions like, “How much do you pay them?” For those of you who don’t mind a bit of gray morality, try this service.

You’ve hit the point where you don’t care about anything in your apartment. You just want to GO ALREADY. Surprise Me is the perfect business for your needs. You give them a certain number of boxes and then leave the rest to them. They will pack up whatever they feel like and dispose of the rest. No-fuss, no mess, no worries! As long as you can afford to replace all the items they don’t surprise you within your new home.

You’ve gone beyond not caring and are downright hostile to your possessions. Yet you know arson is a crime. This is why you should leave it to the professionals. For a small non-traceable fee, Inferno Co. will come to your home when you aren’t there and burn everything in a controlled manner, so only your property is touched.

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Kyrie Gray

Written by

Writer of humor, spooky things, and history. Subscribe to my newsletter, Guffaw for updates, musings and other fun stuff https://guffaw.substack.com/welcome

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

Kyrie Gray

Written by

Writer of humor, spooky things, and history. Subscribe to my newsletter, Guffaw for updates, musings and other fun stuff https://guffaw.substack.com/welcome

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

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