My Video Went Virile
Nothing’s the same anymore
I sure never expected something like this from the cute little clip of me dancing around in my new bike shorts. But, a few pixels at a time, and then all at once, the entire background turned plaid. The music became a deep thumping chant.
When I first uploaded it, my video rolled along at a careful, responsible pace. Now, it constantly cuts in front of all the other videos in the feed, honks non-stop, goes way too fast, and swears at everything in its path.
It’s man-spreading all over the internet and no one seems able to block it.
Everything changes once a video goes virile. How I wish I’d recognized the early warning signs before it was too late.
For instance, my video got one of those gas-powered leaf blowers and began blasting it all over the place, without ever once touching the vacuum cleaner. I think it’s because the vacuum gathers things in, and the leaf blower pushes them away.
Several times a week, my video hoists large metal plates and drops them to the floor with an earth-shaking clang, over and over. I can’t tell if the video is angry at the floor, or angry at the metal plates, or what. Trying to get my attention?
The rest of the time, it sits around watching football and drinking beer.
