Naked Yoga Girl You Single-Posedly Shifted My Perspective On The Female Body Image

I only wish I could be as feminist and centered as you

Rebekah Iliff
Sep 28, 2019 · 3 min read
Image by Mark Brodie from Pixabay

Dear Naked Yoga Girl,

You accidentally showed up — spread eagle — in my Instagram feed a few weeks ago. At first, I was startled to see your tan, toned butt cheeks pressed ever so gently against a wooden dock in Bali while a phallus-shaped tree lingered in the background. But upon further inspection, I realized you were simply trying to juxtapose the naturalness of your naked body with the carefully crafted surroundings. You also managed to do this empowering move while adhering to Instagram’s strict user guidelines. So freaking inspirational.

Since our serendipitous meet cute, you have really shifted my perspective on female body image. And your words of wisdom leave me feeling #blessed whenever I am fortunate enough to read them. Like the time you posted that image of you floating in a pond in India with the caption:

“Mother Teresa said: ‘I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.’ I love this kind of thinking. There is a ripple effect in everything. Together we can make change happen.”

This. Was. Just. So. Awe. Inspiring. Honestly.

Mother Teresa should have hired you to run her social media campaign. Think of all the good she could have done with your outreach!

While I’m being honest, I must also admit that — as a former model and ballet dancer — I was just a little bit jealous that I didn’t think of hoisting my clothes off an Icelandic cliff, grabbing a random professional photographer loitering nearby, and shouting to him: “On the count of three I’m going to turn around and strike a beautifully melodramatic yoga pose without showing my face or butthole. Got that Frederick?”

In my wildest dreams I can only imagine this is how it all went down. You are just so spontaneous. I imagine that is what happens when you are one with the universe. It sends you photographers at the very moment you need them.

Anyway, after I got over my brief bout of envy, I decided to continue scrolling through your feed. What a wonderful surprise to stumble upon your two-page “nude yoga self-love” tutorial. Wow! I never knew that putting on a Halloween mask, cupping my breasts, bending over, and peering through the V-shaped space between my legs to stare at my backside in the mirror could make me feel so powerful.

I worked and worked at it, managing to strike that pose just as my partner got home. When he saw me he screamed and ran away, so fearsome was my womanly power.

Move over higher education! I can’t believe I wasted years of my life in business school when the real lessons on growing a brand were out there! One naked pose and toned body away…

Photo by Steve Halama on Unsplash

Before I let you go, I want to ask if your nipples are okay? That Insta-story where you nude-yoga-posed in Finland in the snow (with what appears to be a reindeer!) must have been terribly taxing on them. Did they incur frostbite?

I suppose we will never know, since you are clearly committed to hiding them. To do otherwise would surely cross the threshold of indecency and thus encourage the sexualization and objectification of your body — and of women in general.

And that’s not your brand.

Sincerely,

Your forever-fan

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Rebekah Iliff is a business and humor writer based in Nashville, Tennessee. Her writing has appeared in Inc., Entrepreneur, Mashable, Forbes, The Satirist, Comediva, and LOL Comedy. Follow her on Medium: Rebekah Iliff. Follow her on Twitter: https://twitter.com/rebekahiliff

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

Rebekah Iliff

Written by

Nashville-based writer. Words in Inc, Entrepreneur, Forbes, HuffPost Comedy, The Satirist, LOL Comedy, WeeklyHumorist and countless “thank you” notes.

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

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