No — Your Mustache Doesn’t Look Good

We didn’t say anything about the fake glasses, but now you’ve gone too far.

Benjamin Davis
Feb 26, 2020 · 3 min read
Photo by Parker Coffman on Unsplash

The world needs to face a cold hard truth:

99% of mustaches do not look good.

The problem is that by the time someone decides to grow a mustache, we’ve already given up on them:

  • We didn’t say anything about the fedora.
  • We turned a blind eye to the fake glasses.
  • We stopped paying attention by the time the vest phase began.

So, how can we really be surprised when the mustache made an appearance?

What people don’t realize is that mustaches used to serve a purpose. I was curious as to why anyone would have started this trend in the first place. I went digging around in the past, and here is what I found:

Back in the day when Knights had to wear helmets into battle, they grew mustaches to keep the sweat from dripping onto their lips which would cause sore on the corners of their mouths. They kept their chins bare because the hairs there would cause friction burns from the straps.

It is because mustaches were so closely associated with Knighthood that they took on the connotation of something manly — when it was actually just a necessity.

One of the most iconic decades for the mustache was the 80s. This was also the decade of cocaine. In my research I found that mustaches were grown by undercover police officers so that when criminals asked them to “prove they ain’t pigs” the police could hide the coke in their mustache.

This led to other police officers, who were looking to get into undercover work, to grow mustaches as a way to show that they were willing to make the sacrifices that would be required of them in the line of duty.

Up until people were finally able to sit around at home trolling people, it used to be common practice for trolls to hang around certain public places: malls, outdoor malls, outlet malls, The Mall of America. They would sit on benches and yell things at people like: “YO! You mad bro?”

And then they would “lol” or “rofl” or on occasion, “lmfao.”

Since these young men couldn’t hide behind throw-away twitter profiles, they were forced to find a way to disguise themselves. Since most were too young to grow full beards, they settled on mustaches as a way to keep their identities secret.

In 2020 we dont need knights. We have anonymity on the internet. And police officers just do coke now. So why are mustaches still a thing?

It is because we continue to allow them to be. It is time to stand up, united, and tell the young men of the world:

No — your mustache doesn’t look good.

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Benjamin Davis

Written by

Columnist and author. My writing is like a bunch of people at a party trying to tell different jokes at the same time. benjamindavis.substack.com

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

Benjamin Davis

Written by

Columnist and author. My writing is like a bunch of people at a party trying to tell different jokes at the same time. benjamindavis.substack.com

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

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