Noah Webster’s Secret Love Letters From “U” Found
Now “U” will never know what might have been
The following letters have been transcribed from Noah Webster’s collection of secret letters found in a drawer with a bottle of whiskey and a handkerchief embroidered with the letter U. It reveals that he was once in a secret relationship with a mysterious woman named Uriel, and who was, unsurprisingly, erased from history.
Saturday, December 1st, 1781
Dearest Noah,
I arose this morning to empty sheets. Am I just another fling to you? You can’t run from me. I am all too ubiquitous. You can’t hide from me in your little pile of dictionaries and lexicons.
This is not how you treat a lady. I expect a swift apology or else I shall be forced to toss your beloved copy of Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream out a window and let rot in a ditch.
Angrily,
Uriel
Monday, December 17th, 1781
My Tender Lexicographer,
Forgive me. I was just suffering from a bout of hysteria. I heard your private school is closing down and you fled town. Was it because of me? Did I use the word ubiquitous too much? Was it because my pronunciation of dead languages was incorrect?
