Ode to the Ketogenic Diet
“How do I love thee? Let me count the fats…”
1
Oh thou, with all omnivorous glory crowned
Which doth my plate with cheese and meat do fill
I praise shall lift to God that I have found
A diet which doth not forbid the grill
Oh thou devised of Woodyatt and Wilder
To remedy that ill once thought divine
Twill ape the monk but substitute his plate
For something o’er much milder
Than those few granate seeds of Proserpine
Or chicken shriveled by the charcoal grate
2
How do I love thee? Let me count the fats
Of cheese, of cream and butter unforbid
Of chicken, bacon, corned beef, ham and brats
Of lobster, oysters, scallop, shrimp and squid!
Bedeck my spinach leaves with cheddar sharp
And eke with bacon bits and peperone
I’ll not complain, for poultry and for pork
Doth substitute my carp
And gives to me such joy that I now own
From all that sits atop my crowded fork
3
But soft! What light through oven window breaks?
The cheese upon tomato sauce doth sit
But underneath — what foreign matter cakes
To turn the pizza in my mouth to grit?
“Where is the dough?!” I cried to God aloud
But answer none from heaven’s choirs came
‘All bread’s forbid!’ I heard from depths below
Which wrapped me in a shroud
And caused my tortured heart to curse the name
That heretofore had set it all aglow
4
“Restore the Bread!” I cry to all around
But no reply doth greet my tortured ears
“Restore the Bread!” my kitchen tiles rebound
Like mocking sprites who prey upon my fears
I cast sad look upon my swollen garb
And mourn for loss of granulation fine
To know that from this fate-accurséd hour
I must abjure all carb;
I’ll to my leaf-wrapped sandwiches resign
And measure out my life with cauliflower
5
My heart aches as I hear the oven sound
With trembling hand I ope the furnace door
A pleasing fragrance wraps my senses round
And wakens all my stomach’s hunger sore
I bear my spatula unto the grate
And slip the pie onto my burnished tray
At once upon the stove I cut a slice
Prepared to meet my fate —
I do the piece unto my mouth convey
And swallow up the whole shard in a trice…
6
A dish of beauty is a joy forever
My stomach smiles as it the slice receives
I’ll ne’er my heart from Keto’s love dissever
But hold it fast like pie to mouth-roof cleaves
A crust of vegetable I thought a flaw
And feared a chicken wrapped in cabbage leaf
But decked with cheese and eke tomato sauce
Red in tooth and claw
I shall ne’er with this diet come to grief
But with a gilded plate its name emboss!
