OMG This Serial Killer Podcast TOTALLY Reminded Me Of You!
I am just generally worried about you as a person!
Hey! Oh my GOD I HAVE to tell you about this podcast that totally reminded me of you! It’s about this one terrible, psychotic serial killer who murdered a bunch of beautiful, gullible women just like you!!!
First off, the serial killer was this totally manipulative, yet very charming man. Doesn’t that sound like your ex-boyfriend? And your ex-ex-boyfriend? And that one guy you dated for 3 months who you didn’t call your boyfriend but you once accidentally said “I love you” to during one drunken escapade and he responded with “what am I supposed to say to that”? I thought you would benefit from a reminder that you pick terrible people to date who have serial killer traits.
Oh! And there was this one survivor who they interviewed — she was very nice, too nice (if you ask me), and she said she helped this man when her gut told her not to. See what happens to nice people when they don’t trust their gut? Remember that one time you helped a creepy old man carry his groceries to his car and then he grabbed your boob? I told you he was a decrepit old creep, but you were just tooooooo nice. He could’ve stuffed you in the trunk! I mean, if he wasn’t so close to death.
Another thing…you are a fake blonde!! Now, I only bring this up because, apparently, this guy only attacked blonde women. So, this is an opportunity for you to make a smart, informed decision — stay fake blonde or grow out your beautiful, god-given brown hair? I know you said you love your blonde hair and I said I didn’t care much for it, but this is more important than our opinions. Cause, you know, not only do blondes get the stereotype of being stupid and whores, but now they are also murder victims. Are you sure you want to be a dumb, dead whore?
And some more bad news! A lot of his victims were attacked in the daytime. Around 3 pm, to be exact. I know you already LOVE walking alone at night (or you can’t afford a car and take public transit or whatever), but maybe you should stop leaving your home in the middle of the day when it’s sunny out. You like to read in parks and go for ‘listening to podcast’ strolls and go to Costco for cheap paper products, but maybe you should think about stopping all of that nonsense. It might be best if you simply never leave and become a homebound agoraphobic. Truly, this might be best for you.
And last thing! They interviewed the family of the victims and one of the victims was a mother! Which reminded me, you told me you don’t want children, buuuuuut…maybe you should think about having children…?? I mean, if you were murdered by a serial killer (and based on your past actions, there’s a high probability) who would be left behind to solve your murder through a podcast? It would be nice if you had someone who could talk about you from a personal, first-hand experience. It would really give the podcast listeners some real, raw emotion to the story. I mean, I know if I was murdered, my daughter would tell everyone that I was an asshole, but she loved me regardless. Don’t you want that?
Anyway, I hope this helps! This podcast reeeeeeaally got me thinking and I am so so soooooo glad I got all my concerns off my chest!! Anyway, talk to you later! Love you!
