Our Quaint Seaside Village Would Be The Perfect Place For You To Get Murdered
Hold your funeral in our picture-perfect paradise
Hi there! I’m the mayor of this quaint seaside village here, known as Slaughter Cove, and I hope you’ll consider our humble hamlet as the venue for your upcoming murder. Our picturesque landscape and folksy way of life would make a wonderful backdrop to the gruesome, untimely death you’ve always dreamed of.
I know you might be wondering, is a remote village accessible only by dirt road really the right location for a major life event — or rather, death event? Maybe you’ve always envisioned yourself being murdered in more of an urban setting, during a jog through the park, or in a road rage incident, or in one of the daily mass shootings in this country. Maybe you worry that a rural community like ours, which is so small that the town mayor (me) doubles as the town tourism director (also me), won’t have the big-city facilities and sky-high crime rate required for your murder.
Well, I’m here to lay those fears, and your corpse, to rest. (I am also the town undertaker.)
Our natural surroundings offer a cornucopia of murder opportunities that just wouldn’t be available in a more populated area. Want to be poisoned by local, organically-grown plant toxins…
