Reasons I Got Kicked Out of the Band

For those who aren’t allowed to rock, we salute you

Photo by Michelle Jimenez on Unsplash

• I pointed all the speakers towards the stage because “we do all the work, we deserve all the music”
• I started screaming and thrashing around while I was crowdsurfing because I thought there was a shark in there
• I stole five hundred dollars from the euphonium player
• I slept with the euphonium player’s girlfriend
• I told the euphonium player he has no place in a rock band, which is true, but jeez, he’s been through a lot recently
• It’s okay to have sex with the fans, but not during the show
• Two bass guitars duct-taped together is not a double bass
• A bass drum duct-taped to a guitar is not a bass guitar
• A keyboard duct-taped to a saxophone isn’t anything, buddy, get it together
• Not every song needs a jingle bells solo
• The bit where I pretended to eat the drumsticks because “I thought they were chicken drumsticks” was never funny, and it got even less funny when I actually did eat the drumsticks and had to go to hospital
• The bit where I pretended to eat the microphone because “I thought it was a chicken microphone” also wasn’t funny, didn’t make sense, and…