Rejection Letter from Hogwarts
“Dear Muggle, it’s time to accept that it’s just never going to happen.”
I can imagine receiving this letter from the talons of an owl gave you quite a rush. However, this is not the letter promising adventure and magic that you were hoping for. It only contains hard truths.
You’re not a wizard Joseph.
We know you spend a lot of time looking at owls. Throwing your mail at owls. Making taxidermy owls. Staring at humans with exceptionally large eyes. Which you should desist, it makes them uncomfortable. Also you never know which one might be a witch who will curse you. Believe me, hell hath no fury like a witch you’ve made feel self-conscious.
When you’re waiting for your food at Chinese restaurants, you open your chopsticks and whisper spells to yourself while waving one of them around. Even though, when your food comes, you use a fork.
It’s culturally insensitive. Knock it off.
You need to burn that letter you’ve been writing and rewriting to J.K. Rowling in the hopes that she will put in a good word for you, she won’t. It is making everyone uncomfortable.
We’ve seen you hissing at snakes. They don’t know what the fuck you’re saying, Joseph! It’s embarrassing. That’s why your girlfriend left you and took her pet python. Now you won’t even have the magic of true love in your life.
Look, I know this might all sound a bit harsh but, we wanted to write this letter to you because we feel it is our responsibility to remind you:
It just isn’t going happen.
Take solace–you’re a damn fine regional manager.
Professor M. McGonagall,
Headmistress, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
P.S. Stop stealing your ten-year-old neighbor’s mail. That’s frowned upon in the magical world as well.
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