Santa Responds to the Singer of “Santa Baby”

I’m a bit uncomfortable, if I’m being honest.

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My Dear Madam,

I… find myself at a loss for words.

I don’t know that I’ve ever received a Christmas letter quite like yours, in truth. I rather feel in need of a shower after reading it, and not the type you seem to have in mind.

I usually only receive mail from children, so this was particularly jarring to come across in the midst of reading crayon-drawn requests for Lego sets and Squishmallows.

You seem to be implying that we share some sort of monetized symbiotic relationship wherein I supply you with a luxurious lifestyle in exchange for your physical affections. I believe “sugar daddy” is the term you humans use? I feel unsavory just writing it.

But you and I aren’t even acquainted, so imagine my confusion.

I’ll have you know that Mrs. Claus and I remain happily married. In fact, we just returned from the South Pole to celebrate our millennium wedding anniversary. To suggest I would jeopardize my matrimonial vows is an egregious insult to my character, madam.

Implications of hanky-panky aside, I don’t know that I care for the informal way you address me. There’s a very unearned sense of familiarity in your…