Shakespeare’s Characters Give the Playwright Birthday Gifts

To return or not to return that is the question

Kyrie Gray
Apr 24, 2020 · 3 min read
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Shakespeare’s birthday only comes once a year! To celebrate, he threw a party. Since not all of his characters could come to the party, they sent him gifts instead.

Thank you for inviting me. I’m gutted I could not make it. Don’t worry, I’m not mad anymore, really. Did it hurt when you portrayed my character and religion as something evil that shoudl be despised? Yes, but no worse than forcing me to forgo my religion entirely.

Yet as I said, I’m not mad, I’ve moved on. Now I want to help be more openminded, which is why I got you this book.

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I apologize that my husband and I couldn’t attend your celebration. He’s not very good with parties at the moment.

So we’re sending you this amazing cleaning product. It’s guaranteed to get the toughest grease, bear spit, blood, and ink stains out of multiple surfaces. Who knows? It may even clean up a messy plot point or two. Joking!

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Hey Shakespeare! Happy birthday! I hope you like this big, beautiful pillow. It’s mostly for sleeping on but, an interesting fact, it can also be used to murder your cheating spouse. Not that you’ve seen yours in recent history so I guess you’ll be using it for sleeping purposes only. Which in hindsight is a better life choice.

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This year I will honor you with the gift of my genius. Enclosed is a ticket to my regularly sold-out new play, which is a sequel to my first. What started out as a clever plan to entrap my uncle morphed into something truly wonderful when I discovered that I can work through my issues with art. And I have a lot of issues. I hope you can make it, for it will be a tragedy if you’re not there.

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Here’s some salt! I like giving gifts that you have to interpret. It’s led to a few misunderstandings but I think most people dig it, so I’ll keep using salt as a representation for my affection. You can get away with a lot when you’re super cute!

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I’m glad you turned my legacy as a leader into a sensationalized love story. What historical queen wouldn’t want to be known as conniving whore? Anyway, I got you something very elegant. It’s at the bottom of this basket, just reach on in there and grab it.

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Thanks for reading!

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Kyrie Gray

Written by

Writer of humor, spooky things, and history. Subscribe to my newsletter, Guffaw for updates, musings and other fun stuff https://guffaw.substack.com/welcome

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

Kyrie Gray

Written by

Writer of humor, spooky things, and history. Subscribe to my newsletter, Guffaw for updates, musings and other fun stuff https://guffaw.substack.com/welcome

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

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