Solving Everyday Problems the Way We Should Have Handled the Chinese Spy Balloon
Stop showing weakness
Auto mechanic: “Three days ago?! Are you shitting me? As soon as that oil indicator light came on, you should have pulled over, unscrewed the oil cap, and fired a few rounds down in there. 9mm at least.”
IT programmer: “It’s too late now, but if your phone ever gets hacked again, use a selfie stick to prop it up in the air, then hit it with a couple of shotgun blasts from close range. To be safe, I recommend burning all the fragments afterwards. You will have to replace your content.”
Plumber: “Yeah, buddy, in a simpler time, maybe in your grandfather’s day, shutting off the water valve would have been considered the right first step in dealing with a dripping faucet. But building codes have changed, and now we recommend plugging the leak with a Smith & Wesson and releasing a full clip into the trouble spot.”
Dentist: “This molar’s been bothering you for a week, and instead of promptly treating the condition, you called my receptionist for the next available appointment? Next time, gently position the barrel of a handgun against where the root enters the gum. One shot is usually sufficient to address the concern. And take extra care in flossing around the area.”
