Bible Book Covers That Reflect Your Love For The Lord And The Doomed Trajectory Of Your Marriage
Strike fear into the hearts of onlookers (but mostly Rachel)
This soft summer Bible book cover shrug is a pleasing shade of petunia pink. Some might call it a little flirty, but it still offers appropriate coverage for church. With its durable, double-stitched side zipper, you can rest assured that no page décolletage will pop out at an inopportune time — like when the handsome, new pastor (who happens to be your husband) delivers the homily.
Every God-fearing woman should have a Leah in their Bible book cover closet. Leah is a practical, durable, double polyblend book cover-pant, in a sensible taupe, with a generous inseam to accommodate even the thickest binding. Leah will remind everyone that you have successfully birthed six children, always defer to the ESV formal equivalence over the NIV dynamic equivalence, are super well-organized, and would make a fantastic lead Sunday School teacher.
The Mary Magdalene
This midi cover is the equivalent of the little black dress of Bible book covers, appropriate for a funeral, but also a date night at church bingo with the hubby. What’s more, it’s slimming. And your husband has been sending less than subtle hints that the Lord would love you to lose 20 pounds. The Mary Magdalene makes even the King James Bible look a quarter-pound lighter — the visual equivalent of removing the Old Testament entirely! It also comes with a vial of Mirthful Myrrh foot oil — and that opens up all sorts of exciting possibilities for renewed intimacy.
It’s okay, not everyone can be the lead Sunday School teacher! Besides, you have a lot on your hands already with the six kids and all. You’ve got to admit that Rachel is pretty good in the classroom, so patient and loving… Inspired by Deuteronomy 17:5 with its bold, graphic imagery, “Stone” lets everyone know that while you have turned the other cheek (for now), you will keep an eagle eye out for any hint of sexual impropriety with your husband, the pastor.
What’s more, “Stone” comes with a coordinating thick burlap sack, so you can start your stockpile in advance of your church’s annual Lapidation Lunch.
This lightweight A-line book cover conveys, with understated elegance, that the “change” is underway. Light and airy, Sara is lined discretely with a waterproof drop cloth, so no one will ever see you sweat after hearing the gossip that your husband was spotted with Rachel at the bowling alley last Sunday.
The Ruth Rescue Kitten Plushy Book Cover with Matching Hoody
Nothing repairs broken trust with preschoolers faster than this kitten-soft plush cover in soft ice-cream pastels. Ruth screams kindness. With Ruth, you can be confident that upon your return to Sunday School after your six-month suspension the children will have forgotten all about the class field trip to the church parking lot to slash Rachel’s tires!
Still not getting his attention? This rhinestone-covered book thong is sure to change that! When he sees his family Bible dolled up in this sparkly thong, he will be so overcome by lustful thoughts that he will repent and turn to God’s word for deliverance! Even Rachel is powerless against it.
The Pillar of Salt
Divorce is hard — especially when you have to find a new church and make a whole new set of friends. The Pillar of Salt, a tasteful white, silk sheath book cover, will help ease this transition by reminding everyone to keep the conversation light, and that you would rather not turn back and dwell on the past.
The Lake of Fire
This dramatic orange and red silk book cover will remind you, as you sit in your new church, that Rachel, your husband, and ingrate children will probably be cast into the fiery pit of hell. Best of all, you won’t even be there to see it!
Please note that all our book covers are screen printed by hand on high-quality American materials by our fabulous team of displaced homemakers.
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