Thank You For Calling To Inquire When You May Get Your COVID Vaccination
If you still find wearing a mask impossible, please press 2
Thank you for calling the Laneyville Family Clinic. Please listen to the following message as our options have changed.
If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911.
We have not yet received any doses of the COVID-19 vaccine. We are aware that you have been hearing about the many types of vaccinations currently being produced and distributed. Please note that Laneyville is in central Wisconsin. We are four hours away from any cities of a size that could be reasonably termed “metropolitan areas.” Therefore, Laneyville residents have been deemed inessential rural humans.
We ask that you do not storm our clinic at this time with complaints about our lack of vaccine supplies, particularly if you do not yet own a mask, which we now ask that you wear when visiting or storming us even though we asked you not to.
If you still find wearing a mask impossible, please press 2 to speak with our billing manager, Bessie Lynde. She will answer once she figures out any way to wear her mask without it making her glasses fog up thus blocking her view of the phone.
If you want to add your name to a waiting list of people looking to carpool to Madison please press 3 . If this option confuses you then you don’t live in rural Wisconsin. Congrats on your good fortune. To the residents of Wisconsin still listening we strongly suggest you drive to either Madison or Milwaukee. Visit any clinic in those areas and demand you receive the vaccine because you are over 65. If you are not over 65, just pretend you are by asking everyone around you in a loud voice how to send a text message.
If you would like to make a telehealth visit, please press 4. We currently do have telehealth slots with a nurse open to discuss such concerns as male hair loss or to refute theories that this virus was created in a lab.
If you are going crazy after being inside for almost a year, please hang up and dial a friend.
If you are a essential worker in a meat-packing plant please press 5 for more options. However if you work in a meat-packing plant and have just had an accident with the band saw, please hang up and dial 911, or have someone else hang up and dial for you.
If you are a multi-millionaire who owns a rural retreat in Laneyville and would like to fly elsewhere to bluff your way into receiving a vaccine meant for an actual worker please press 6 and have your credit card number ready.
Thank you again for calling the Laneyville Clinic. Please note we do not currently have any doctors on staff. If you would still like to make an appointment, press 7.
If you hope to receive the COVID vaccination or any kind of medical care in the future, please press 8 to speak with a career counselor. They will direct you to training resources to help you get a job in an urban area, where they still have hospitals and medical personnel.
To repeat this message, press 0. Thank you.
