Thank You in Advance for Celebrating My Birthday by Strictly Adhering to the Attached Wish List
Oh, the plight of persons who were born in the winter months! For holiday and birthday gifts are selected with such swiftness…
Greetings and Happy New Year family,
My deepest gratitude to you all for the improvement, however slight, in gift selection that I experienced at our recent Yuletide gathering. Since one of my many Doctorate specialties is Ancient Roman Civilization, I can appreciate that change may take longer than a day…
Which brings me to a most vital topic: my impending birthday. I am optimistic that receiving my carefully constructed request via 1907 Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland drawing of the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party eCard results in a feedback experience that is — and pardon my witticism, for I cannot help myself — easy to swallow.
Keeping in spirit with Lewis Carroll, I confess, I am quite blue at the thought of experiencing yet another “unbirthday.” Oh, the plight of persons who were born in the winter months! For holiday and birthday gifts are selected with such swiftness…
The burden of birthday shopping must be heavy indeed considering the ever-amusing trinkets I have come to collect over the years. That being said, please implement whatever is necessary in order to follow the attached “Birthday Wish List_revised.”
Fortunately, my colleague Dr. Bram, whom you recall is the country’s foremost expert on Sappho, agreed to serve as Chairperson of my Birthday Gifting Committee and is Cc’d on this quintessence of Victorian era illustrations eCard. Hesitate not to contact her! Let Dr. Bram serve as your guide, your White Rabbit!
Speaking of the colour white, this naturally brings me to the little snafu known as white “chocolate”. Grandma Esther, yes, cocoa can be as perplexing as the Cheshire Cat for those who neglected to attend my educational family outing to the local Fair Trade, small batch, handcrafted chocolate factory indorsed by Food & Wine magazine…
Honestly, water under a bridge that you were not in attendance. My Dearest Grandma, in light of your recent medical emergency, I have altered my expectation of you adhering to my revised birthday wish list. Instead, I ask that you apply to memory my accepted rates of cocoa: >52% and <=87%.
Before you “Reply All” with commentary regarding the struggles endured due to Alzheimer’s, I will note here that my peer-reviewed research concluded that mental stimulation actually slows the progression of the disease. Voilà!
While the subject of symptoms is in fresh context, my topmost birthday wish is to avoid another episode of anaphylaxis brought on by crayon candles dipped in “festive” Pine-Sol solution. Cousin Alicia, an entrepreneurial spirit is admirable, and I find myself at a loss for how to convey with subtlety that your homemade candles are both toxic and extremely flammable…
So, as Carroll once wrote, Read Me:
FOLLOW. THE. ATTACHED. BIRTHDAY. WISH. LIST. REVISED. DO. NOT. IMPROVISE.
THOUGH. I. AM. LOATH. TO. HINDER. CREATIVE. EXPRESSION. NEVERTHELESS. EPIPENS. AND. FIRE. INSURANCE. DEDUCTABLES. ARE. EXPENSIVE.
Which reminds me, what greater expense exists than children? But oh, how I adore them! Especially my niece…
Brother Robert, this may be a delicate piece of feedback to hear, but as The Walrus exclaimed, “The time has come!” Last year, your daughter gifted a portrait depicting myself in a wedding dress, despite informing her frequently that I am not, in fact, interested in acquiring a husband. Thus, I have serious doubts that you actually recited the Critical Theories for Children book that I overnight shipped at the onset of her Disney princess phase.
Precious Robert — you are forever the Tweedledum to my Caterpillar, and I recognize how imparting the principal points of intersectional feminism upon a five-year-old may be difficult for a man who exclusively screens Fox News. Nonetheless, it is my birthday; I would most appreciate a refinement in your daughter’s artistic point of view.
Please understand that I do not send this unique blend of realism meets fantasy depictions in children’s literature eCard lightly, for I dedicated hours theorizing how receiving detailed and extremely helpful feedback may feel…
Growth opportunities are indeed the best gift one could hope to receive! And how maddeningly eager you all must be to return the favor by celebrating my next “turn around the sun” with beaming appreciation!
In closing, please prepare an additional place setting for my upcoming birthday soiree, as my dear friend Dr. Bram will be attending all family functions from now on.
