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The Dark Stories Behind Popular Christmas Songs

“All I want for Christmas is the truth!”

Kyrie Gray
Nov 9 · 3 min read

Every year these carols are sung without a thought as to what they really mean. No one wants to believe that those tunes that signify, for some, the most wonderful holiday of the year are actually harboring dark secrets and behind their bright façades.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

The song starts off innocently enough, the carolers wishing the residents of a home a, “Merry Christmas.” However in the second verse the carolers’ demand for figgy pudding is unmet. They then ominously sing, “We won’t leave until we get some.” And they are true to their word.

After breaking into the household they hold the family hostage for hours. Finally the police are able to negotiate 3 figgy puddings per caroler. Though they go to jail, the sadistic singers know that the family will forever think of them when they hear that familiar tune on the street. That feeling of power is sweeter than any pudding.

Jingle Bells

Yes, it is very fun to go, “Dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh.” One thing a sleigh lacks, however, that the song doesn’t mention is a seatbelt.

Tom found this out the hard way when he took his sweetheart on a date inspired by her favorite Christmas tune. All was well until the sled hit a hole, and Tom was thrown into a tree. No one was laughing all the way to the emergency room, mostly because of the horrific injuries.

12 Days of Christmas

Many see this as a sweet song about someone’s significant other sending them wonderful gifts for the 12 days straight. But really this song is about a person being harassed by a stalker who keeps sending bigger, and more annoying, gifts in order to get a reaction.The ladies, lords, maids, and pipers all beg the recipient of the gifts to respond to the stalker, as he has threatened them with death if they stop their designated action or try to contact the authorities.

Oh Christmas Tree

Who doesn’t love a picturesque Christmas tree? Those who have never seen one, that’s who. Few know the truth, but this song is actually from the future. When the singer refers to the, “Leaves so unchanging,” they are referring to the fake leaves that are made of a synthetic material that doesn’t burn, unlike the majority of the trees in the world have at that point.

No one would even dream of cutting down a rare tree just so they could put it in their living room for a week. To do so would be immoral, and a crime punishable by 20 years in prison.

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

Kyrie Gray

Written by

Freelancer, comedian, and illustrator. Writes humor, practical advice, and about life. Check out Jane Austen’s Wastebasket for most of my funny scribbles.

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

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