Image for post
Image for post
graphic by author

The De-Wolfification of Cornelius Farkas AdalWulf

Beware the curse of the full moon.

Sarah Lofgren
Jul 7, 2020 · 4 min read

To My Brother Dolf Nipping AdalWulf,

I hope this letter finds you well, though my purpose in writing is to unburden my own soul and not inquire into the status of yours. You’ll forgive me the indulgence once you possess a full understanding of my trials. My only remaining hope is that you, my elder brother and a wolf known widely for his wisdom, will offer words of counsel. My story is as follows:

I was roaming The Dark Woods four nights ago hoping to ensnare a fat bunny or untended baby deer. Once my hunger was allayed, I then planned to engage in some wanton howling that would force the female wolves of my pack to reconsider my current characterization as “a little nerdy” and “mangy around the collar.”

My plans were thwarted when I came upon a terrifying sight. It was a wild human participating in humanesque activities such as taking selfies, littering and trading in his Camaro for a newer model. I had never seen a human in The Dark Woods before and he took advantage of my surprise, rendering me helpless with tales of his SAT scores and his impressions of a movie called Boondock Saints. Then he sunk his molars into my neck. He bit so deep I thought he might kill me.

I have since begun experiencing an array of disconcerting symptoms. I now wish to collect stamps. I have a strange urge to find and then sign a petition. Rather than participating in the Annual Growling Competition, I submitted a suggestion (in the form of a “memo”) that we instead use a game of Scrabble to determine this year’s Wolf of Honor. I also desperately want to discuss Millennials and My Retirement Investments with the other wolves in my pack, topics they would likely find unpleasant.

I am terrified by these unwolflike behaviors and desperate for your advice.

Yours in Good Faith,

Cornelius Farkas AdalWulf

To My Brother Dolf Nipping AdalWulf,

I could not afford to wait for your reply. The situation has grown worse and I am desperate for counsel.

Perhaps you have heard of Hatti Bristle HeardWulf, one of the most slick-furred of our tribe. It is no secret I long to commingle with her in libidinous ways and produce a bevy of roly-poly wolf cubs to carry on the AdalWulf lineage. Unfortunately Hatti has always dismissed me as “kind of a bummer.”

Last evening I planned to show her my claws, hoping she would be impressed by their sharpness. This plan was thrown into disarray when the moon appeared overhead and I shed off my wolven fur and spit out my pointy teeth. Out of nowhere, an acoustic guitar appeared and I began to serenade Hattie with a ramshackle rendition of Upside Down by Jack Johnson. This was proceeded by a full half hour of “negging”.

Hatti found this behavior irritating and left to inform the rest of the pack of my transformation. Eventually the moon hid itself behind a blessed cloud and I was returned to my natural form, but these events have shaken me deeply and I fear what horrible things my human counterpart might do next time he appears.

Your Loving Brother,

Cornelius Farkas AdalWulf

To My Brother Dolf Nipping AdalWulf,

I did not have the opportunity to await your response, but instead was forced to “hit the road” as the humans say. The other wolves found my human shape detestable and also did not appreciate my encyclopedic knowledge of the Marvel franchise. This might be my last letter to you, as my wolven memories are beginning to fade.

I have made peace with the fact that I am doomed.

I can find no cure for my ongoing transformations and I fear it is only a matter of time until I acquire a large company, transfer the debt of the purchase onto it, make piles of money, then laugh as five years later the company falls beneath the weight of its debt and is forced to declare bankruptcy. I am no longer itchy behind the ears. I have purchased a pair of Bermuda shorts and am desperate to subscribe to something called HBO Max, though I don’t understand how it works. The other day I tweeted a hot take on Hamilton.

There is no hope for me.

Please use my story as a cautionary tale. Wolves should avoid all humans in The Dark Woods, otherwise they risk the same torments I currently suffer.

Remember me kindly. I know I am lost to you, however, I still imagine that, on some distant, cold evening, I’ll be attending a dinner party, talking about water polo and a memory of you will flit through my brain, causing me to howl at the moon. Perhaps on that evening I will grow mangy again, cast off my stock portfolio and return to the wilderness. Until then I remain,

Your Alarmingly Human Brother,

Cornelius Farkas AdalWulf

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other…

Sign up for Jane Austen's Wastebasket

By Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Weekly roundup of funny stories so you never miss a laugh Take a look

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Sarah Lofgren

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

Sarah Lofgren

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Humor inspired by the literature, history, and other non-lucrative college courses

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store