The Definitive Guide to What Food-Branded Perfume is Right for You
Personality and palate-pleasing perfumes for modern food and fornication lovers.
With the recent news of both Hellman’s Mayonnaise and Auntie Annie’s unveiling signature fragrances, other food brands have quickly followed suit. We’ve tried them all and are here to help you find the most palatable scent for your personality!
Hellman’s Mayo, Will Levis №8
You are the Countess of Condiments and the Baroness of Bargains, so this $8 bottle infused with hints of lemon, coffee, and emulsified egg yolk (aka, sulfur on a hot day!) speaks your unique scentual language fluently. Moreover, lubed up and ready for action is how you slide through your days, always ready and in polished pursuit of an endless supply of lovers. We can only assume that the name of this fragrance means that sexy mayo spokesman Will Levis will be eighth on your royal roster of lovers once you decide to slather this stuff on. Good for you, you Marquise of Mayo, and mayo lovers all be as dreamy and creamy as Mr. Levis and the condiment he so adores.
Aunty Annie’s Knead
Two words: human pretzel. You’re flexible in all the right ways and know how to twist yourself up into a dozen different positions (Butter Churner, Spork, ‘Roni Pony, Golden Arch, and more!) in order to get your partner’s dough to rise. Two more words: public indecency. Since this proprietary melange of butter, yeast, salt, and sugar will cause potential lovers to blurt out “I knead you now” while chowing down on some Annie’s Original Nuggets and chugging a Coors, you’ll be living out your adolescent fantasies of hooking up with every of-age cutie you can find at Auntie Annie’s from the mall to the outlet mall to the Walmart. Smells like teen spirit to us.
A.1. Original Steak Sauce, Steak It In
Not to be outdone by the lube masters at Hellman’s, A.1. has gotten in on the fragrance game and released its own trademark scent. This is for all our sassy sirens who live for beef and have a catalog of complaints and about former friends and lovers to prove it. You’ve never had a relationship that’s lasted longer than three to five days, which is exactly how long a good steak will last in your refrigerator, so that makes you feel incredibly seen. This fragrance’s combination of sweet raisin paste — aka sour grapes — with top notes of crisp celery and a vinegary finish underscore your acerbic personality perfectly.
Lay’s Sour Cream & Onion Potato Chips, Laid
You’re a rule-following wallflower who spends her days policing everyone in the office amidst whispers of “she needs to get laid”, but spends her nights giving it up for anyone. If only those suckers at the office knew! That’s right, you’re multi-layered, just like an onion and have a bit of halitosis to prove it. Something about this mellifluous mix of onions, spoiled dairy, and the unexpected mylar emergency blanket scent of the Lay’s packaging emboldens you in and out of the sack. You’re ready to let loose and get bagged.
DiGiorno Better with Bacon Stuffed Crust Pizza, Thirsty
You crave the spotlight and really wish we’d pay you a compliment right now, but we will not. You’re also literally in need of hydration thanks to gorging on one of these DiGiorno salt bombs before dousing yourself in this stuff. Topnotes of low-quality, nitrate-filled bacon, days-old canola oil, and undertones of the blandest, cheapest cheese DiGiorno can get its hands on sends everyone who still lives in their parents’ basement directly into your parched embrace. You’re primed to get stuffed quickly while wearing this scent.
Uncrustables Grape, Stuck on You
You’re undeniably basic. Like, you’re basically the missionary position personified. In fact, it is the only position you’ve ever tried or will ever try and it’s this straight-arrow innocence that draws people to you. Everyone wants to corrupt you so badly that they stalk you relentlessly until you end up murdering them with a butter knife. This intoxicating blend of ferrous sulfate (similar to the mercurial smell of blood!), grape juice, and of course, peanuts makes you intolerably sexy to all, except for the approximately two percent of the world with a peanut allergy, to whom you’re completely intolerable.
Rosarita Spicy Jalapeno Refried Beans, Mi Fuego by Will Levis
You like to keep things spicy and keep your partner’s passion burning all night long. Top notes of fiery chili peppers and bottom notes of cumin-soaked lard, this scent takes you directly from Taco Tuesday to Hump Day with a full tank of gas. What does Will Levis have to do with this? No idea, but he’s quickly become the King of Food-Scented Sponsorships. He got the Hellman’s gig by dumping mayo into his coffee, and research tells us that Mr. Levis grew up in Boston — aka, Beantown — so it’s only natural that this partnership sprouted. We can’t wait for his high-octane commercial to fuel sales of this piquant perfume to drop.